Monday, February 24, 2014

Three Rips of Increasing Speculosity

After a brief hiatus, including a lovely vacation in Puerto Rico, we're back with everyone's favorite feature: the Inigo Martinez Speculative Rip of the Week.

In order to make up for the lack of spectacular goals, I humbly present to you a triple dipper. A sample platter, if you will, of the choicest morsels of rip steak, in order from least to most outrageous.

1. Memphis Depay - PSV Eindhoven

Based on his name, Dutch youngster Memphis Depay ought to be the color commentator next to Sunny Day in the newest edition to the Backyard Sports series: Backyard Rap Battles. However, as this game is still in the earliest stages of production (read: my brain), he's forced to stick with his back-up plan of playing professional soccer, and scoring clever curlers like this one:

2. Hakan Calhanoglu - Hamburg

On any other day, this would be the unquestioned winner of the coveted SROTW award. It's got all the components: distance, power, knucklage, a diving and overmatched keeper, and a pair of great big swinging balls that gave Mr. C the confidence to even try such a thing. However, it lacks that certain something - the pizzazz, the flair, the psychotic randomness that dominates much of the soccer world. This was simply a rocket free kick from near midfield, with your team already leading by 2 goals in the 90th minute. Ambitious and excellent, but no match for number 1.

1. Rogelio Chavez - Cruz Azul

This goal stretches the definition of the term "speculative rip" to new extremes. Truthfully, it was more of an emergency rip, taken to win a challenge, than any kind of effort on goal. But the celebration and the emotion was real, and frankly it's kind of hilarious how the goalie looks like a confused panda whose favorite munchy bamboo is just out of reach. Enjoy.

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