If you happen to be in a normal to grumpy mood, you might be forgiven for seeking the nearest hole in the ground or piece of drug paraphernalia.
Now, before we go on, I'm not talking about generic places like work or middle school. I'm going for specifics.
This is the list of places that I've encountered in my relatively short life that are genuinely, unquestionably, absolutely fucking awful.
5. In goal during a second-half penalty kick.
Not during a shootout, when players are tired from a game and a half of running. Not during extra time, when players are incredibly nervous because of the added significance of the moment. Nope, statistically, the worst time to be attempting to save a penalty kick in soccer (already one of the most difficult things to do) is when the kick taker has played between 45 and 90 minutes. On average, those players will convert 75% of their tries.
|In penalty shootouts, results may vary. Even for the world's best strikers.|
4. With fans of the opposing team after an eliminating loss
We've all been there. Your team is playing a huge game against some team your buddy roots for, and your boys can't come through. The teasing, taunting, shit-talking, and general buffoonery have ruined many a friendship. This situation fortunately didn't happen to me during the nearly unmentionable "2 in 17" tragedy, but it did during the actually unmentionable Helmet Catch that Shall Not Be Named or Pictured.
|Pictured: a man with 54 career NFL receptions|
3. The Braintree Split.
Whichever drunk-ass civil engineer created this bit of pure Hell on Earth should have to drive through it in every direction, every day, during rush hour. If you don't know what this horrific over/under/over/through/around/overpass is, consider yourself lucky.
|Looks fun, right?|
2. The operating room.
Clearly, if you're in the operating room, something has not gone as it should have. I've had three "surgeries" in my life, though the first one was when I got my wisdom teeth out, which is pretty standard. Even still, the operating room is a terrible place to find yourself.
|Please tell me that's a bowl of condoms in the foreground.|
If we're going chronologically, the shittiness of the operating room sets in WAY before you show up there. Knowing you have to have surgery is one of the worst feelings in the world. Yes, you know the surgeon is ridiculously overqualified and could probably have repaired whatever's wrong with you when he/she was halfway through medical school, but it's still scary thinking about how someone is going to knock you unconscious and then slice you open.
The experience of being in the operation room? Brutal. First off, I hate needles, and operation rooms are full of 'em. So that sucks. Your fear is at an all-time high and you can't acknowledge it. So when the doc asks you "How are you feeling?" or some other bullshit thing, you have to be like, "Fine! Just great, really" when it feels like there's a nest of snakes feeding on a fresh rabbit carcass in your stomach.
Then, the aftereffects. Let's just say, they're not pretty. Dizzy, woozy, sleepy, in lots of pain, doped out of your mind, and extremely nauseous are some of the words that come to mind. All in all, what a fucking terrible place.
1. The Massachusetts RMV.
Is it RMV, or DMV? Honestly, who gives a shit. This place is truly and completely the worst. A good way to tell if something is 100% horrible is to ask yourself this question: If you didn't have to, would you still go to this place? And the answer for the RMV is a resounding fuck no.
|Everyone in this room is contemplating either homicide or suicide.|
My friend Tim has now made two, count 'em, TWO unsuccessful trips to this black hole of blood-boiling exasperation, and has exactly ZERO to show for it besides a depleted gas tank and several hours of his life that he will never recover. All he wanted were some new Massachusetts license plates, as he now lives in Massachusetts instead of Maryland. Well, apparently you need to present an original copy of every document of personal identification ever issued to you, signed in blood by your mother's maternal grandmother's favorite clergyman.
Fuck you, RMV. Fuck you so hard.