Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Luis Suarez is a Magical Being

I'm almost positive that Luis Suarez is not a human being. Much like Lil Wayne, Suarez's powers at his chosen profession are so astounding, when he chooses to use them, that people who don't even care about the topic are left stunned.

The man plays for a team called Liverpool, and that team is currently stomping the cat farts right out of a team by the name of Norwich City. It's halftime, and it's already 3-0 thanks to three Suarez goals.

Now, three goals in the first half of a professional soccer match, at any level, is damn good. The fact that it's in a match in the best league in the world is simply superb. And the fact that two of these goals are things made of stardust and moonbeams is simply magical.

Here's the first one. Presented without comment.

HauntingDigitalGerenuk Luis Saurez volleys a bouncing ball over John Ruddy from fully 40 yards [GIF]

That ball was roughly 40 yards from goal. No biggie. Just a dipping full volley from just inside the halfway circle.

Here's the second one. The most benign of the bunch, and still an acrobatic, left-footed, volleyed finish.

And the third might actually be the best of the bunch. Everything you could ask for in a striker: pace, cleverness, balance, and a fucking LETHAL finish.

Suarez solo goal vs Norwich

Again, Luis Suarez is not a human being.


He scored again. Of course he did. Free kick from 25 yards, and Suarez was locked into some sort of goal-scoring zone that he seemed unable to escape. This ball was a homing pigeon and its destination was the back of the onion bag. Simple as that.

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The game ended 5-1 Liverpool. Suarez got the assist on the fifth. Of course he did.

Honestly, I couldn't care less if he bites people (which he does) or calls people racist names whilst in the heat of battle (which he allegedly does). I just like to watch the man score goals. And goddammit he is good at it.

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