The Official Greek Yogurt Power Rankings

Greek yogurt is hot right now. Like, "Hansel" hot.

I started really hearing about it maybe three years ago, when a low, tub-shaped container appeared in the refrigerated section of my local dining hall. The substance therein  turned out to be something called Chobani, and bitches went APESHIT for it. Sometime during senior year, the Chobani truck must have been raided on the way to BC by a clan of calorie-counting sophomores, because the dining halls were barren of the stuff for a few days. The outcry was similar to what I'd expect if BC suddenly destroyed their WiFi servers.

I never tried it, even though I know several people who ate nothing but Chobani all day erryday. Recently, I've started seeing ads for a variety of different Greek yogurts. Having nothing much else to do in my unemployed state, I have given most of them a shot. Here are the official power rankings of greek yogurt.



4. Chobani

I don't know what everyone is freaking out about, this stuff is horrific. Everything I thought it would be when I refused to eat it during my BC years, Chobani is lumpy, watery, sticky, chunky, and clotty (is clotty a word? you decide). It's also labor-intensive, as you have to stir it up a ton to get anything resembling a good consistency. Even then, you still run into random chunks of fruit in between swirls of wet, slippery, unflavored yogurt. Overall, I hate this stuff.

3. Yoplait

Not terrible. Certainly better than Chobani. Still, I'm only down with Yoplait when it comes with little Reese's Pieces up top. I understand their need to capitalize on the Greek fever, but I'm never gonna think of them as a healthy option.

2. Fage

 This was one of the new additions to the Greek yogurt war, as Fage has come out with a cool concept: the split cup. I'm sure you've seen the ads, which make the stuff look positively heavenly. After trying it, I'd have to agree. The yogurt is a little tart, very smooth and rarely watery, and has a good consistency. And that's before you plop the fruity mixture down on there. Spread the fruit around, scoop up a bit of fruit with the yogurt, and you're in business. My only complaint: the fruit to yogurt ratio is too low.

1. Muller (The European for yummy!)

 Perfect. Take everything I said about Fage, and add more fruit. It truly is the European for yummy.