5 Really Bold World Cup Predictions

One of my favorite quotes from "Game of Thrones" comes from the Imp, Tyrion Lannister, when he basically sums up the theme of the show in one sentence:




It's powerful and simple, and makes the viewer realize that what we thought we knew about how the world worked in a good and just society hold no sway in this story.

Kind of like what you think you know about the World Cup holds no sway once the actual tournament starts. (How about that for a segue?)

The World Cup is, like many lives in Westeros, nasty, brutish, and short. Characters take their turn upon the stage for three or four games, only to be ruthlessly beaten down and eliminated by more powerful opposition (usually the Germans).

With that cheery image in your head, let's get into some ruthlessly bold World Cup predictions.

(Editor's note: I had this post almost all written last night and it somehow got deleted. So this is going to be a severely shortened version. Take it up with Google if you have an issue.)

1. Colombia won't make it out of their group.

Ooh. Kill em.

Two words: Radamel Falcao. Colombia's all-time leading scorer, and one of the best players in the world, won't make the trip to Brazil as he recovers from a knee injury. That's bad news, obviously. They have some other solid players, like the sillily named Jackson Martinez and Napoli's Camilo Zuniga. But Falcao was the talisman (just look at that body), and without him I predict they fold like a house of cards. Plus, I think Japan is sneaky good and the Ivory Coast will finally realize their potential as a group of ubertalented stars.

2. The United States will not only escape their group, but will beat Belgium in the round of 16.

Boo. Hoo.

Two words: dark horse. That's what the US comes into this tournament as, and what people had been calling the Belgians until recently, when they just became a horse. The Yanks aren't even expected to make it out of the Group of Death, what with Germany (world #2) and Portugal (world #4) on the docket, as well as recent US-killer Ghana waiting in the wings.

But the US has won all three of its send-off matches, something that has never happened. And though they won ugly, they won. And winning builds confidence. And confidence builds more winning. It's like Fat Bastard's vicious cycle, but positive (unless you really like eating). So here's what'll happen: the US will go down and thrash Ghana 3-1. Then we'll draw with Portugal 1-1, and probably lose to Germany 2-0. I'm not gonna sit here and figure out goal differential and other team's records, I'm just gonna assume that we get through. Then, on to Belgium.

Belgium has a stupidly easy group with Russia, South Korea, and Algeria. They'll go 3-0 and win that group, having not been tested. And then, suddenly, they're in the knockout rounds. Shark-infested waters. These Belgians have a fair bit of experience, but don't boast any obvious goal threats with Christian Benteke hurt and Romelu Lukaku possibly nursing an injury. Plus, they're already being touted as an outside contender for the title. That's called pressure - something the US will have exactly none of after escaping the Group of Death with their lives. And in a single-elimination game, I'll take the team with no pressure on them over the pressurized team all day err day.

3. Bosnia-Herzegovina will beat France in the round of 16.

A face only an underage prostitute could love.

The talk of the tournament on the eve of the tournament is the players who will not be playing in the tournament.

Wait. What?

I'm talkin' bout injuries. There's been a slew of big-time players going down with ouchies lately, so much so that several websites have created their lists of best players to miss the World Cup due to being physically done for. One of the finest players to drop to the turf writhing in (actual) pain lately is that fellow up there - France's Franck Ribery, midfielder extraordinaire and World's Ugliest Man Lifetime Achievement Award winner.

So my prediction is that France win their group, Bosnia-Herzegovina gets second in theirs, and then the B-H boys beat the Frenchies.

Yes, France are stocked with talent (Giroud, Pogba, Evra, Benzema, etc.), but they're French. And French people fold. They folded HARD at the World Cup in 2010, then bowed out in the quarterfinals of the Euros to eventual champions Spain.

Granted, the Bosnians are no Spain, but they've got some motivation that the other teams don't - specifically, the fact that their country is barely 20 years old, and most of the players were displaced by the Bosnian war and grew up as part of the diaspora (SAT word). The country has not had a competitive football team in ever (in ever, Jerry), so this is kind of a "put the country on my back" deal for Edin Dzeko and the Bosnians. National pride means a lot in the World Cup. The French might still be stinging from the last two major tournaments, and the Bosnians will come in brimming with hope. (Plus they friggin dominated their qualifying group.)

4. Brazil will beat Argentina in the final, but Sergio Aguero will win the Golden Boot.

Mom made pizza rolls?!

Call this a parlay prediction. Both outcomes are rather likely (Brazil are 3/1 to win it all and Aguero is 14/1 to finish top scorer), but put em together and what do you get?

Bippity boppity boo?

No. You get a bold fucking prediction.

Argentina have scored a lot of goals lately against bad teams like Trinidad and Tobago (3-0) and Slovenia (2-0), with exactly zero goals from Captain Happy McChuckles up there. Their goals have come from midfielders (and Messi, duh), but that's OK. Goals in the World Cup come from forwards (except if you're the USA) - just check out this list of Golden Boot winners. You have to go back to 1974 and a West German named Grzegorz to find a dude who doesn't play forward winning that award. Rather strange, then, that the three players deemed more likely than Aguero to win this award are Lionel Messi (questionably a forward, often deployed on the wing), Neymar (questionably a forward, often deployed on the wing), and Cristiano Ronaldo (questionably a for-- yeah, you get it).

This will happen. Mark it down.

5. The Diego Forlan award for rocketing into the US's collective national attention will go to Angel Di Maria.

Once upon a 2010, an attacker from a prominent La Liga team went into the World Cup with high expectations, excellent hair, and a light blue jersey. After an explosion of highlight reel goals, Uruguay's Diego Forlan was the talk of the nation. It didn't hurt that he resembled Adonis's better-looking younger brother.

You want some of this milk?

After a scorching game in the Champions League final, Argentina winger Angel Di Maria is in great form. He'll rise to the challenge in Brazil, using his tricky feet and speed to get past outside defenders and either whip in crosses or take a few rips at goal. Plus, when the Argentines meet up with the USA in the quarterfinals, no one will be able to miss him with this righteous 'do:

(It looks like he's got an onion on his head)

A few goals, a few assists, a few embarrassed defenders, and you've got yourself a recipe for American stardom.

6. BONUS PREDICTION: One team's hotel will be robbed. 

I mean, it is Brazil. Something has to go wrong.

World Cup Preview: Group H Predictions

And we've arrived. Barely a week before the tournament, this is the final group preview in the World Cup. If I get enough time, I may do a knockout preview, but we shall see. Read everything you need to know about every World Cup group here.

Group H: Belgium, Algeria, Russia, Korea Republic

Blue Steel.

This is the group the USA could have had. Weep for the poor Americans. Weep, I say.

Prediction: Belgium win group, Korea Republic second.

Belgium.

This picture is too good to use just once.

Belgium are kind of an under the radar superteam. Along with Eden Zoolander Hazard up there, Belgium has EPL studs such as Romelu Luk(kakukuku)kaku from Everton, Vincent Kompany from Manchester City, and the oft-maligned but undeniably talented Marouane Fellaini from Manchester United. They're just really stacked overall and they should have no problem rampaging through this group. There really are two types of groups at this World Cup - the deathy ones and the non-deathy ones. This is as far from death as you can get.

Korea Republic.

'Sup?

Not sure when these guys started going by "Korea Republic" instead of the ever-popular and much more easily understood "South Korea", but regardless. I think they'll get themselves out of this group. Mainly because their manager has selected a group of players that make their living in the more competitive European leagues, such as Arsenal's Park Chu-young, Bolton's Lee Chung-yong, and Bayer Leverkusen star Song Heung-min (that guy up there). 

The Koreans are a young team, with no player in their 30s. Youth usually equals fresh legs and strong lungs, two attributes that will be needed in abundance against the high-scoring Belgians and the pacey Algerians in muggy Brazil. That was a lot of adjectives. Regardless, look for Korea to sit back and play their possession game against Belgium, and perhaps press Algeria into a few mistakes at the back. The decisive game in this group will be Russia vs Korea on June 17.

Russia.

Hey there.

Wait a minute. This isn't terribly model-esque. I think Eden can do better. Eden?

You got it, dude.

Thanks Eden.

Russia's problem in my eyes is that they just didn't take the right players. I don't care how out of form and favor some players are, the Russians are simply a worse team without Diniyar Bilyaletdinov and Roman Pavlyuchenko. They play against better competition than the squad that manager Fabio Capello has selected, which contains only players in Russia's domestic league. The camaraderie might be invaluable, but I'm not sure how far it will get the Russians. Plus, Russia = cold and Brazil = hot, and their three send-off games are against the weak nations of Slovakia (a 1-0 win), Norway (a 1-1 draw) and Morocco (playing on June 6). 

Algeria.

LOL

Algeria has one of the coolest nicknames in the tournament: the "Desert Foxes". Unfortunately, they basically suck. They're sort of like Iran in that they're the best team from a terrible region. They barely snuck in after beating a country called Burkina Faso. They'll be lucky to draw a game.

World Cup Preview: Group G Predictions

Another scintillating World Cup preview. Check out the rest of the group previews here.

Group G: Germany, Portugal, United States, Ghana

"We're Team USA, and we're going all the way."

This is the Group of Death. Let's see how the US can escape with their lives.

Prediction: Germany win group, USA second.

Germany.

"You've been a very bad boy."

Germany is clearly one of the favorites to win the tournament. It's not a question of whether they'll win this group, but more of how far they'll get once the knockout stages start. They're solid from front to back, with world-class players at every level of the pitch: Miroslav Klose up top (old, but still deadly for the national team), Mario Gotze, Mesut Ozil, Bastian Schweinsteiger, and Thomas Muller (to name a few) in the midfield, Phillip Lahm and Per Mertesacker anchoring the backline, and perhaps the world's best keeper in Manuel Neuer.

They'll be fine. Let's move on.

United States.

"OHHHH IT'S INCREDIBLE"

I'm fully aware that my prediction of the US moving on is based less on analysis and more on deep-seated, red-blooded American homerism. Having said that, let's take a look at how the US can escape this group. 

As soon as the draw came out, everyone was moaning and complaining when we were drawn into Ghana's group, because they've knocked us out of the last two World Cups. Well fuck that. Where some see bad luck, I see motivation. Ghana is the weakest team in this group, and we play them first. Jurgen Klinsmann has stated the obvious in interviews: we NEED to beat Ghana in the first game. If we don't, we're screwed.

Fortunately, I think we have a good chance to pull it off. Our peak players are rounding into form at the right time, with Clint Dempsey scoring 8 goals through 9 games in the MLS and Chris Wondolowski netting 5. First-choice forward Jozy Altidore struggled through a tough season in English Premier League side Sunderland, but he always steps up his game for the national team. The US should go into this game with fire in their veins and revenge in their hearts, and I predict them emerging with a win.

And then, we play Portugal. The team that Men in Blazers described as "Cristiano Ronaldo and 10 other guys." Yes, they're ranked 3rd in the world. Yes, they do have arguably the best player in the world. And yes, they have world-class players like Pepe, Joao Moutinho, and Nani supporting the number 7. But. Hear me out.

First off, C-Ronny is kinda injured. And as he goes, so goes the team. Secondly, Portugal play Germany first, and that game will be an absolute war. They'll both be vying for control of the group, and that game may determine who wins the group outright. That game is the 16th of June, and the USA-Portugal game is the 22nd. A short training period, a first-match hangover, and potentially a few niggling injuries could conspire to hamper the Portuguese. We can pull out a draw against them, or veeeeery possibly a famous victory.

Then, we just have to hang on against Germany and pray for the goal difference to go in our favor.

Portugal. 

"Coochie coochie"

Again, rampant homerism here, but for all the skill and speed that Portugal have, I don't see them getting out of this group. 

Portugal's World Cup history is a mixed bag. They didn't qualify from 1934-1962, then burst onto the scene in England with a third place finish in 1966. Then they proceeded to not qualify from 1970-1982, didn't get out of their group in Mexico in 1986, and didn't qualify again until 2002, when they bowed out of their group in Korea after a loss to the mighty United States. Recently they've been a bit better, with a fourth place finish in Germany in 2006 and a Round of 16 exit in 2010. 

I'm thinking geography plays a part with this nation - all their good results have come in Europe (England, Germany), while less than stellar finishes (group stage in Mexico and Korea, round of 16 in South Africa) have come when they travel abroad. Brazil does not bode well for them, despite the familiar language. 

I also feel that Portugal will be hampered, as they usually are, by the lack of a true striker. Or more specifically, the confusion resulting from the best way to use their best player, Cristiano Ronaldo. If I were the manager, I'd just put him up front and let him wreak havoc on defenders, with two wingers to whip crosses in to him. This is the case some of the time, but for whatever reason Ronaldo feels more comfortable out on the wings, where he can cut inside to hit shots or play 1-2s to get the ball in space attacking from the flanks. If I'm playing against Portugal, the further away from goal he is, the better. 

He's their leading scorer and the main reason they're in the World Cup at all, all of which means that teams will be keying on him hard. If Portugal can't get goals from other places on the field, they might be in trouble. 

Ghana. 

Fuck this moment.

There is no question that this is the Group of Death. In almost any other group, Ghana would be a serious contender to go through. Aging but still tremendously skilled players like Michael Essien, Sulley Muntari, and Kevin-Prince Boateng anchor the Black Stars, and scourge of the US Asamoah Gyan is a threat in front of goal.

They've also played some meaningful games lately. They took on all comers and nearly conquered Africa, coming up just short in the African Nations Cup final, where they lost on penalties to Libya. They have tune up matches against Montenegro, the Netherlands, and South Korea before their first group stage match with the US, which will test the limits of their skill. 

If the tenet "Know thine enemy" has any truth to it, then the US should be well prepared to face these Ghanaians. The Yanks have gone out to Ghana in both of the last two World Cups, and this is quickly turning into one of the most unlikely rivalries in world football (at least from a geography perspective). 

I'm not sure if Ghana can keep their nerve in this group if they lose to the United States in the first match. My prediction for them involves a loss to the US, followed by an utter collapse as their World Cup dreams drift away.

World Cup Preview: Group F Predictions

The Cup is less than a month away. These previews will be coming fast and furious. Check out my other wild speculations here.

Group F: Argentina, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Iran, Nigeria

The flow!

Prediction: Argentina win group, Nigeria second.

Argentina.

I have so many questions.

This won't be a surprise to anyone: Argentina is good. Like, best-team-in-the-world good. They have arguably the greatest player in the world in Lionel Messi, and a host of other players who actually play better than him when playing for the national team. Names like Gonzalo Higuain, Sergio Aguero, and Ezequiel Lavezzi jump out at even the most casual soccer fan, and their midfield and back line are anchored by veterans including Javier Mascherano, Fernando Gago, and Pablo Zabaleta.

Honestly, they're just stupendously talented. Add in the fact that they're in South America and they're in a very weak group, and you can seriously start to talk about their championship aspirations. 

Nigeria.

Cool story, bro!

Now we've come to the unpopular opinion. Nigeria, the 45th-ranked team in the world, will escape this group over the combined powers of both Bosnia AND Herzegovina, who are ranked 25th. It seems very unfair that B+H get to draw from two countries, but I digress. 

Nigeria, to put it bluntly, has got this. First off, they open up against Iran. Iran is a horrible soccer team. Nigeria will win 3-0. They'll get some momentum going, and then roll into the clash with B+H with a full head of steam. B+H will be coming off a royal pounding at the hands of the Argentinians, who will come out for their first World Cup match with fire in their eyes and lava in their hearts, or whatever the saying is.

Nigeria's momentum will help them in this match, but it won't carry them through to the win. What will? Oh, I don't know, how about talent and recent big-game experience?

This Nigerian team has some serious skill. Peter Odemwingie, despite his flitting around the bottomer-regions of the EPL, is still a talented goalscorer (though he does have trouble putting them away in international competition). John Obi Mikel Obi Mikel (or whatever he's calling himself these days) has been a stalwart at Chelsea since like the JFK assassination, and he's still only 27 somehow. After the final game of the group stage, defender Joseph Yobo will have collected 100 caps for Nigeria, taking him further into the lead for most-capped player in the nation's history. Captain and keeper Vincent Enyeama is the first-choice tendy for French Ligue 1 side Lille, and came within 114 minutes of setting a record for most minutes without conceding a goal earlier this year. So yeah, they're pretty good. 

Furthermore, the Nigerians have played some legitimately important matches recently. They came in third in the African Nations Championship, which just ended in February. They beat host nation South Africa 3-1, stormed back from 3-0 down to grab an extra-time 4-3 victory over Morocco, and only lost to runners-up Ghana on penalties. Meanwhile, B+H have been prancing around places like St. Louis and Austria, playing teams like Egypt and Lithuania. They do tune up against the Ivory Coast and Mexico in the coming weeks, but still, I'm not convinced that they're ready to play under pressure.

Bosnia and Herzegovina. 

"Are you not entertained?"

So I'm not really sure if this whole Bosnia AND Herzegovina thing is one country, two countries squashed together, two countries that used to be one country and are now two but just say they're still together so their friends don't think anything's wrong, or whatever. I'm calling them B+H.

Also, I just don't think they're that good. For God's sake, WE beat them. And we kinda suck. 

They do have that man up there, Edin Dzeko, who plays for EPL champions Manchester City. He's pretty good. He scored 16 goals for Man City in 31 games. Not shabby. However, they really don't have any other players of note. They have another forward who plays for Stuttgart, Vedad Ibisevic, who has 20 goals in his 53 national team appearances. So I guess he's OK too. 

However, I just see this as a strange World Cup. Brazil is a weird place, and European teams tend to falter on South American soil. I think in any sort of Europe vs. non-Europe clash, the crowd will back the non-European team out of some kind of underdog, us-against-the-old-guard mentality. As mentioned earlier, B+H haven't played in any sort of cauldron lately, and they won't before next month. 

Iran. 

"I ran so far away"

Sidenote: I just realized I put a song link in the caption for my last-place team in the previous post too. Since twice is a trend, I guess I'm doing this from now on.

Anyway, not much to say here. Iran is freaking awful. It's a testament to how colossally screwed up the FIFA rankings are that this team is 37th. They'll be lucky to scratch out a draw in this group.

World Cup Preview: Group E Predictions

Everyone's favorite desk-bound prognosticator is back with another World Cup preview. Read previous installations here.

Group E: Switzerland, Ecuador, France, Honduras

"Guys? Has the game started?" - 2,000 people

Intriguing. Switzerland as a Pot 1 team, eh? Let's see where this goes.

Prediction: France win group, Switzerland second.

France.

"We ride at dawn!"

Even before starting this writeup, I already hate my predictions. This is kind of the same thing that happens with my NCAA basketball picks - I make my picks based on what should happen, and then it all goes to Hell. I'll pick the wrong upsets in this World Cup as well, I'm sure, so don't be surprised if Ecuador sneak out of this group.

Having said that, I think France is pretty safe. They just have way too much quality to not survive and advance, even with the shocking exclusion of Manchester City midfielder Samir Nasri. It's well known that England, German, Italy, Spain, and France house the top five domestic leagues in the world, and out of France's current roster, 22 of 23 players play in one of these leagues. 

For contrast, Honduras, Ecuador, and Switzerland combined can claim 20 such players between them. 

Meteoric talents like Ribery, Benzema, and Lloris will carry Les Bleus through to the knockout stages, despite the French's historical record of mixed World Cup performance outside Western Europe.

Switzerland.

Seems that it was recently goal time.

For the same reason that I have France winning this group, I have Switzerland emerging as the second-place team. They are simply a deeper team, with more experience playing high-stakes, top-notch football. Since a shock victory against Spain in 2010, the Swiss have been rightly seen as a global threat.

Age will not be a factor that slows this team down. They have the youth to overcome the oppressive Brazilian heat, as captain Gohkan Inler is only 29, and studs like Xherdan Shaqiri and Granit Xhaka are 22 and 21, respectively. In fact, their oldest player is 30, which is mighty young for a goalkeeper with 55 caps to his name in Diego Benaglio.

Also, read those names. This is not your father's Switzerland side. (Did your father have a Switzerland side? Whatever). Players born in such former Socialist Republics as Macedonia, Yugoslavia, and, um... Cape Verde have made their way onto this roster, and they're poised to represent the Schweizer Nati to the best of their abilities. 

Granted, I don't know a ton about their players. What I do know, however? They play against better teams both at the club and country level, and they're currently 8th in the world. That's gotta count for something. 

Ecuador. 

A preview of how the Ecuadorian team might feel after this group stage.

The dude above is Antonio Valencia. In addition to eating an unfinished prototype of Willy Wonka's newest face-enlarging candy, he's the only player I've heard of on this Ecuador team. He plays for Manchester United and has an alarming habit of suffering shocking injuries (don't click that link if you're a fan of left ankles).

He's got some skill, for sure, but Ecuador will need to rely on more than one player to make it out of this group.

And although they might only have one household name, the Ecuadorians come absolutely chock-full of international experience. An astonishing eight players have over 40 caps, including 34-year-old left back Walter Ayovi - a man who played in all 16 of Ecuador's World Cup qualifying games.

This kind of steady play at the back is one of the reasons that I could see Ecuador moving on. Another chief reason is one that I make reference to repeatedly, because it bears repeating: the atmosphere.

Now, again, I'm not simply talking about matches that will be played in high heat and humidity. I'm talking about mini sports wars that will be fought in a cacophony of drums, heat, haze, smoke, firework residue, g-strings, sweat, sunscreen, weed, booze, and humidity.

Granted, this is a major international tournament, and it's in a relatively underdeveloped country, so the police presence will likely be formidable. However, this isn't always the best idea.

Ecuador plays in South America. They know what it's like to go into big stadiums and deal with the best teams in the world. They fought Uruguay to a 1-1 draw on away soil, and nearly nipped a point from top-5 world power Colombia, losing 1-0 away. The crowds of their home continent will be behind them and against the European adversaries of France and Switzerland. I like these Ecuadorians. I'm just not sure if they can make up for the gulf in quality.

Honduras.

"Sup, fresh? It's our turn, baby"

Sadly, despite Maynor Figueroa's cool-ass facial expression up there, I just don't think the Hondurans have the depth to make this a contest.

(Sidenote: it's hard to write this with a straight face while listening to the song in that caption's link. I suggest you play it.)

Yes, we all remember this complete nonsense, but the Yanks redeemed themselves in the Gold Cup with a 3-1 victory. The Honduras were solid at home and shaky on the road in CONCACAF, and I'm guessing they won't get much in the way of support when they run into the big boys in Brazil. A road loss to Panama and a tie in Jamaica are causes for concern when facing top-notch opposition, and the Honduras should probably prepare for a quick exit. 

2014 World Cup Draw: Group D Predictions

Haven't done one of these in a while, but we're back! Check out my previous World Cup efforts here. 

Group D: Uruguay, Costa Rica, England, Italy

Well now. This should be intriguing. Remember this headline from the 2010 World Cup in South Africa?

Clever.

That was England's reaction to drawing the USA and two cream puffs of varying creaminess in Slovenia and Algeria. I wonder what they're saying now?

Right. Ok then.

Anyway, on to the predictions. 

Italy win group, Uruguay second. 

Italy. 

It's pretty clear to me that Italy is the best team in this group. They have all the keys to a successful national side: experienced goalkeeping and defending, a midfield that knows how to play their system and has the confidence to shine on the big stage, and strong, fast, lethal strikers (most particularly Mario Balotelli). 

I think you know why.

(PS: Shout out to Anderson being in that photo - first time I've seen him in about a year and a half).

I can absolutely see Super Mario cementing his place as one of the greatest forwards in world football with a dynamite tournament - when he puts his mind more into scoring goals and less into setting his bathroom on fire, the man is an absolute menace. In a good way.

Uruguay.

Lots of wrist kisses in Brazil.

Every World Cup, a player who toils in relative obscurity blasts onto the international radar, becoming (at least for a week or three) one of the most talked-about people in sports. Four years ago in South Africa, Atletico Madrid and Uruguay forward (and blonde Aragorn lookalike) Diego Forlan was this player. He won the Golden Ball as the best player in the tournament, and scored 5 goals on Uruguay's run to the semifinals.

This year's entry won't be coming from Uruguay, that's for sure.

Noted handball aficionado, diving extraordinaire, and family man Luis Suarez will be leading Uruguay. Suarez is rocketing up the "best player in the world" rankings, and currently is sitting pretty at the top of the Premier League goal hunt, his 28 strikes taking him a stunning nine goals clear of his teammate Daniel Sturridge. The strike force of Suarez and Sturridge has worked well for Liverpool, and teaming Suarez up with Forlan and fellow Uruguayan assassin Edinson Cavani should provide more than a few fireworks in Brazil. 

England.

This really is a tough draw for the Three Lions. Prone to hyperbole and premature mythmaking, the English press has created and destroyed more legends than George R.R. Martin in the past 25 years. Beckham, Scholes, Shearer, Owen, Rooney, Gerrard, Lampard, and Terry are just a few of the names of top-notch English footballers who have failed to claim a World Cup for the soccer-mad nation. In fact, since 1990, the English haven't even tasted a semi-final match. 

Sadly, this trend will continue for four more years. Not even Wayne Rooney's silly, silly hair can help them escape this group. 

Pictured: Wayne Rooney's silly, silly hair.

It's funny the way football narratives work. I see Italy as a deep, experienced team with a killer young tandem up front in Balotelli and Stephan El-Sharaawy, but I see England as a slow, plodding side filled with last-gaspers like Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard, even though the English do have some young talents in Liverpool's Jordan Henderson, Arsenal's Jack Wilshere, and United's Danny Welbeck.

The question becomes - will the old guard stifle the youngsters' creativity, or will they act as a safety net to allow the kids to flourish?

Costa Rica.

This game, played in Colorado a year ago, was not the ideal scenario for a Costa Rican football team:

Not even for a Costa Rican football football team.

Never considered a world power, Costa Rica did make a game of it, but ended up losing 1-0. Upon the return visit by the USMNT in September of last year, the Costa Ricans were none too happy.

What does all this have to say about their World Cup prospects? Well, a few things. Like, for instance, the fact that they HATE the cold. So that's a point in their favor, since Brazil in June can get a bit toasty. Also, they're pretty good at the revenge thing. It's too bad this isn't a double round robin tournament, because Costa Rica crunched the Yanks soundly in the September match, winning 3-1. 

Costa Rica is a young team - their oldest player is 31, and depending on call-ups, they might only have two 30-year-olds. They don't have the skills to run with the three big boys here, but watch out for them during the next cycle.

2014 World Cup Preview: Group C

You can read previous previews here.

SIR! WHERE'S THE CALL??

Group C: Colombia, Ivory Coast, Japan, Greece (aka the "Superstars and Set Pieces" group)


Out of all the ridiculously intriguing groups in this World Cup, I'm most excited to watch the Group C games. If I was a full-time blogger, could work from home, or simply sat on my ass all day like a slob, I would make sure to watch every one of these games live. I'm really not that well-versed on the tactics, players, or playing style of Greece or Colombia, but then again, those might not even matter. It's the World Cup. Shit happens.

Prediction: Japan win group, Colombia 2nd. UPDATE: FALCAO IS OUT

New Prediction: Japan win group, Ivory Coast second. All further analysis of Colombia is null and void.

Japan.

"WHAT?!" I hear you cry as you read this swashbuckling prediction. "There's no way he can actually believe that Japan will WIN this group, is there?? For the love of Godzilla, they're the fourth lowest-ranked team in the WHOLE TOURNAMENT!"

I hear you. I do. But let's work through this anger together. Crack open a Sapporo and let the sheer brilliance of the Japanese soccer machine wash over you.

There are three reasons why Japan will win this group. First, and most importantly, they have Keisuke Honda. He's easily the most dynamic player in this group, which includes the unearthly talents of Radamel Falcao and Didier Drogba. Don't believe me? Watch this.




If you're easily distracted, skip to 1:20. It's the goal in the thumbnail. That defines Rip City.

World Cup squads don't have months to train and play multiple matches together, like clubs do. They have about a month between the end of most European seasons and the start of the World Cup. That's not enough time to form complicated tactical plans, which is often why the superstars shine through on the world stage (the exception is Spain's team-based pass and move approach, which was honed at Barcelona, where roughly half the Spanish team plays).

With no time for tactics, two things win the day at the World Cup - individual skill and set pieces. Honda happens to have a monopoly on both.

The second reason Japan will win this group? They have a player who is BETTER than Keisuke Honda. Remember that guy up there with the goals? Yeah, he's nice. But (fun fact of the day alert!) the cog at the center of the midfield of the most famous club in the world will be playing alongside Honda with Japan. His name is Shinji Kagawa, he plays for Manchester United, he's 24, and he's DIRTY.




Notice anything different about these two videos? Honda's are goals, and Kagawa's are skills. And some goals, but mostly skills, passes, one-touch balls, and through balls. The kinds of things that can combine with and spring a goalscorer like Honda or Shinji Okazaki (scorer of 36 national-team goals). Superstars and set pieces win games in the World Cup, folks.

The third reason they'll come out tops of this group? The way they play. The Japanese always play, tight, intelligent, measured soccer. They (cliche alert!) work as a unit, defend in packs, and rarely get caught out of position. I can easily see them beating Greece and the Ivory Coast with this approach, and holding heavily favored Colombia to a draw.

Colombia.

Hey girl. Disregard the fact that I look like Pocahontas's dad.

There are two things I know about the Colombian national football team, other than the fact that they're from Colombia.

1. They are ranked fourth in the world according to FIFA. 

2. They have Radamel Falcao. 

FIFA world rankings are ridonkulously flawed, as they don't take into account things like goal differential, roster selection, and who had home field advantage. However, they're still rankings. And it's better to be ranked higher than lower. And there are only 3 teams ranked higher than Colombia.

Secondly, that guy up there is Radamel Falcao, and although he's built like a cross between a linebacker and a rhinocerous, he plays forward for Colombia. And, as you'd expect, he's a fucking monster.

Skip to :43 if you have no time and just want to see a cannon of a shot from Falcao's weaker foot. It's basically a fadeaway three-pointer with your opposite hand.

Colombia's World Cup hopes suffered a massive blow as the Rad Falcon (that's my new nickname for him) went down with a knee injury in January, but his doctors have given him a 55% chance of suiting up in Brazil. And that's good enough for me.

Like I said earlier, the importance of set pieces and superstars are magnified at World Cups, and I don't see anyone with the possible exception of the Ivory Coast having the size, speed, and skill in the back to contend with Falcao.

Also, Colombia borders Brazil. Words you will hear a lot of if you watch these group games: "climate," "travel," "adjustments," "crowd noise," "home field advantage," "fatigue," and "environment." Colombia has a huge geographical advantage. I still think Japan takes this group somehow, but that's a bold prediction, and the smart money is probably on Colombia. Sometimes I try to outsmart the money.

Ivory Coast.

God this group is going to be so fun to watch. Didier Drogba. Salomon Kalou. Yaya Toure. I'm beginning to rethink my predictions of this group. Ivory Coast has a talented core of extremely physical and athletic players that have been through the battles together. Plus they have Drogba, scorer of 62 international goals and whistleblower of several fucking disgraces:



For some reason, I see the Elephants (yeah, that's their nickname) dropping points to Japan and Colombia despite their more physical style of play. Japan plays a very controlled game and can strike on counters and set pieces, and Colombia's games will seem like they're being played in Bogota. Plus, the Ivorians have never been known for their patience, and I can see them getting a bit fed up and chippy, which never works out well in the World Cup.

Greece. 

Greece is an enigma to me. They came in second in their 6-team qualifying group, collecting the same amount of points as Bosnia-Herzegovina (25, when the next closest team had 13) but losing on goal differential (Greece was +8 while B-H was an astonishing +24). They're ranked 12th in the world, but they don't have anyone who jumps out at you as a star player. Forward Giorgios Samaras is perhaps their most famous player, and he has a whopping 8 goals in 70 international matches. Yowzers. I just feel that they'll be outlasted by the Japanese, outgunned by the Ivorians, and outworked by the Colombians.

Hunches on hunches in this group, I know. They were some bold picks, Cotton, let's see if they work out for me.

2014 World Cup Preview: Group B

Read my Group A predictions here, and my World Cup Draw "Deathiness" rankings here.

Possibly the greatest national team ever assembled

Group B: Spain, Chile, Australia, Netherlands

I just did at least a half hour of research, and I can definitively conclude, thanks to Wikipedia, that this is the first time that the finalists from the previous World Cup are in a group together. The United States can rightfully be disappointed with the talent level in their group, but Australia must be absolutely devastated.

Prediction: Spain win group, Chile 2nd. 
Spain. 




Not much to say about Spain. Their one-touch passing game is orgasmic (see above). They've won three of the last four major international tournaments in which they were entered, including the 2008 Euro, 2010 World Cup, and 2012 Euro. In the process, they became the first nation to win back-to-back European Championships and the first to win three straight international tournaments.

But, you might be wondering, if they've won so much since 2008, don't they have to be getting kind of old? 

Kinda. But all their old players are incredible.

Their keepers are all 31 or 32. That's fine, they're keepers. Besides defensive stalwart Carles Puyol (35), their oldest defender is 31. Besides midfield maestros Xavi and Xabi Alonso (33 and 32), their oldest midfielder is 29. Besides prolific goalscorer David Villa (32), their oldest forward is 29.

Their tiki-taka style will see them through this group in style. Australia will be a walkover, Chile don't have the defensive prowess to hold Spain down, and I'm predicting the downfall of the Dutch.

Chile. 

Dramatization of Chile's fans coming to Brazil.

I have a good feeling about the Chileans. I don't have any real data to back this feeling up. It's what the experts call a hunch. I just think that all too often, the World Cup group stage gets away from a team in the first game and momentum, good or bad, can snowball into the next two games. Chile gets Australia in the first match, allowing them to bring some positive vibes into a match against the defending champs.

My prediction that Chile will take second in this group is powered essentially by the idea that some of these games will be home games for the Chileans. All of their matches are in southern Brazil, close to their home nation. They made it to the round of 16 in 2010, and I envision a home continent repeat of this feat, powered by gobs of goals from Barcelona star Alexis Sanchez and a surprise appearance from the aging legend Humberto Suazo.

Netherlands. 

"I'm... so.... old..."

The Netherlands topped their group in qualifying. This group was made up of powerhouses such as Andorra, Estonia, and Hungary. Real strong teams. They've also recently played friendlies against such notable world powers as Indonesia and China, two Asian sides sure to strike fear into the heart of any football fan.

Basically, they haven't played anyone good in a competitive match in forever. Two recent friendlies against Japan and Colombia produced draws, disappointing results in that both matches were essentially at home (the Japan game was played in Belgium - kind of like if the Red Sox played the Padres in Providence).

Their top players are getting up there in age (though the grandfatherly Arjen Robben is still only 29), and no European team has ever won a World Cup in the Americas. Top forward Robin Van Persie has been out with a groin injury since early December, and groin injuries are notorious for niggling. I'm thinking a collapse is in order as the pale Dutchmen fail to fly. 

Australia. 

"Join me in death."

I feel bad for Australia. Really, I do. Apparently it's a great country. Good reefs. Awesome accents. Hot girls. Killer shark attacks. However, the one thing that the ol' prison colony doesn't have is a competitive soccer team.

Australia is the lowest-ranked team in the World Cup according to FIFA's notoriously flawed ranking system, and they've been chucked into the fire like so many shrimp onto the proverbial barbie. Rest in peace, Socceroos. Consider a goal a celebratory event, and a draw a win. 

2014 World Cup Preview: Group A Predictions

Get ready for a whole lot of this

Group A: Brazil, Cameroon, Mexico, Croatia

Even though I'm in a highly competitive ESPN World Cup Bracket Challenge (you can join it here - search for the group named "Landy Cakes." The password is "landycakes" - go figure), I'm not afraid to share my prediction for the World Cup champion. It's Brazil. I simply can't see how the Seleção fail to win this tournament.

To win the tournament, of course, you've got to escape your group. And the Brazilians are uniquely poised to do just that. 

Prediction: Brazil win group, Croatia 2nd

Brazil. 

The only thing that Brazil has to worry about is succumbing to the pressure of their soccer-mad country. It's hard for Americans to understand the passion that Brazilians have for soccer. I'm the first to admit that I don't fully grasp the power that this sport holds over the country, but you can see it in the faces of the players during the Brazilian national anthem. If this video doesn't scream "Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose," then I don't know what does. 

Personally, I think this Brazilian team is in a terrifyingly perfect position to win this World Cup. The national anthem, the pomp and circumstance, the feeling of every countryman's eye and heart resting on your movement on a rectangle of grass - this is what these Brazilian players have been working towards for their whole lives. And, crucially, many of them have not had to wait long to get it.

A good word to describe the Brazilian team is "ripe." Often, pundits say that the "time is ripe," but I think that this particular squad of players is ripe. They are built with a terrific mix of experience in back, youthful exuberance in the midfield, and more experience (plus a once-in-a-generation young superstar) up front - check it out: 

GK: Julio Cesar (34)

Defenders: Dani Alves (30), Maicon (32), Thiago Silva (29 - universally lauded as a top 3 defender in the world), David Luiz (26)

Midfielders: Ramires (26), Oscar (22), Paulinho (25), Lucas (26)

Forwards: Neymar (21 - the aforementioned superstar), Hulk (27), Robinho (29)

Getting into the weeds for a minute here - pressure on a soccer field generally manifests itself in player mistakes, and player mistakes happen when a player has time to think. Further, "time to think" is something that midfielders and forwards have much more of than defenders. While a relatively ageing Brazilian back line might feel like their World Cup window is closing, they'll be too busy sweeping opposing attacks aside to notice it. The joyous, swaggerous, swashbuckling Brazilian football will be back in good hands in this World Cup - the hands of the youthful offensive playmakers who will shoot, dribble, and pass first, and ask questions of their legacy later. 

OK, enough Brazilian ballwashing. Let's discuss (briefly) the three inferior squads in Group A. 

Croatia.
Ranked 16th in the world, Croatia is a very respectable football team. Which is not to say that all their players are respectable human beings. Even without the services of the Nazi mentioned in the previous link, Croatia will likely gain enough points to see them out of this group. They have tested, high-level defenders in Darijo Srna, Vedran Corluka, and Danijel Pranjic, as well as 24-year-old Southampton back Dejan Lovren. 

Their midfield is anchored by true superstar midfielder Luka Modric, a 28-year-old maestro who can dictate the tempo of a game as well as anyone in the world. Modric will be the lynchpin for this team, and if he can slow the game down enough, the high-flying tactics of Brazil and Cameroon might be stifled. 

Aaron Carter is his stylist.

Croatia don't have a lethal finisher in the mold of aged legend Davor Suker, but Mario Mandzukic and Nikica Jelavic might be able to use their 6-foot-2 frames to outmuscle smaller Mexican and Cameroonian (Cameroonan? Cameroonish?) defenders.

Mexico. 
Despite their recent run of form, including an abject beatdown of New Zealand in a two-game series to determine who would make it to the World Cup, I can't see Mexico getting out of this group. Yes, they play their home games in a hot, muggy, smoggy, loud, oxygen-deprived, atmosphere, so you'd think they'd be used to Brazil. But the problem lies less in the climate or fitness of the players, and more in the fact that the Mexicans simply can't find the net lately. 

Granted, this may change in the run-up to the World Cup, but there are only so many tactical adjustments you can make. They're already on their fourth manager of 2013(!!!), so I don't see any more changes coming on that front. Miguel Herrera has led them to the World Cup, but he doesn't have the weapons to compete with Brazil, nor to put enough goals past Croatia's stout back line. 

Doing what he does best - sitting (though not on the defender's back shoulder)

Chicharito (Mexico's poaching 25-year-old forward) is not a player who can create his own shot - he needs service in order to thrive. He also is not listed on the team's current roster, though that might just be because he picked up an injury in training at Manchester United. I can't see him being left off the World Cup roster. 

In any event, teams with no playmakers facing stout defensive teams generally don't fare well. Adios, Mexico. 

Cameroon.
It saddens me to put the Indomitable Lions in the last position in this group, mainly because their nickname is "The Indomitable Lions." How freaking cool is that?? Plus, they have easily the sweetest shirt design out of all of the countries so far unveiled at Clean Sheet's website. Seriously, check this baby out.

Rawr.

In any case, the Lions have a lot to like. First of all, the schedule favors them slightly. They play Mexico first in a crucial match. The loser of that game will most likely come last in the group, as the games only get harder from there. They also have a world-class player at every level of the team, with Tottenham Hotspur defender Benoit Assou-Ekotto, Barcelona midfielder Alex Song, and Chelsea forward Samuel Eto'o (who is always running).

However, I just don't feel good about their chances. African teams rarely travel well. With barely any research to back this statement up, I still feel it's true. Think about it from an economic standpoint: Croatians probably have some disposable income, Mexicans will most likely travel well just due to their extraordinary fan support, but Cameroon's traveling party will be much smaller. That bodes ill, especially when they're chucked into a group with the host Brazilians. The Indomitable Lions will be dominated.

The 2014 World Cup Draw - Reactions and "Deathiness" Rankings

The Grail

The 2014 World Cup is stacked. The average FIFA world ranking of all teams in the tournament is 20.78, which is astonishing when you consider that Africa and Asia (not traditional soccer hotspots) got eight of the 32 tournament berths. Australia, at 59, is the lowest-ranked team in the tournament, and they have three players plying their trade in top-flight European leagues. This has all the makings to be the most hotly contested World Cup ever.

After the (potentially rigged) draw last Friday, we now know the eight groups that will make up the first stage of the competition. As you’d expect, many of these groups are absolutely terrifying. You can’t have a draw with the best teams in the world and expect the groups to work out completely fairly. Having said that, some teams (cough cough the United cough States cough) have some serious reasons for concern.

With over 6 months until the start of the tournament, there’s not much that soccer fans can do except wait, pray against injuries, and speculate. So speculate I shall.

I’ll be breaking down the World Cup through the lens of my semi-vast knowledge of world soccer, combined with my nearly airtight hunches based on such important factors as climate, travel, fatigue, player fitness, things I know about the country that the team is from, and the potential corruptness of the referees.

Since there are eight groups, and it would take forever to dissect each one’s 12 games, I’m chunking these blog posts into (hopefully) weekly breakdowns. This week, we’ll start with an overview of the groups, and give a general level of Deathiness (as a nod to the most overused phrase in World Cup parlance, the “Group of Death”).

As Michael Bolton says, let’s get to it.

Group A: Brazil, Cameroon, Mexico, Croatia

Death Scale: Brendan Fraser

"My hair product? Camel spunk."

Google is a wonderful tool. Since this group would have made up the Group of Death in 1999, when Brazil was ranked 1st in the world, Croatia 9th, and Mexico 10th, I simply Googled "celebrities who almost died in 1999", and was rewarded with this nugget from the Wikipedia entry for "The Mummy": "Brendan Fraser nearly died during a scene where his character is hanged. Weisz remembered, 'He stopped breathing and had to be resuscitated.'" It's almost a shame he survived.

In short, this is a tough group for everyone except Brazil. The gulf in quality is so vast that it feels like Croatia and Mexico are 116th and 120th in the world, rather than 100 spots better. 

Group B: Spain, Chile, Australia, Netherlands

Death Scale: Steve Irwin

"MY hair product? Crocodile kisses."

You had to see this one coming. In the land down under, they're probably lamenting this group as the worst possible outcome. Wait, let's check.... Yup. They totally are. 

Only one death has hit this country harder in the recent past, and it was the tragic passing of everyone's favorite bushy-haired and bushwhacking television presenter, Steve Irwin. 

Federal buildings should probably just stay closed until July to mourn the inevitable and untimely passing (soccer pun intended) of the Australian national soccer team at the 2014 World Cup. This could be the kind of total destruction that turns an entire generation of young Australians away from soccer and towards a more successful sport, such as rugby, avoiding sharks while on a slice of wood in the ocean, or kangaroo boxing. 

Seriously though. Spain and the Netherlands played for the 2010 World Cup trophy, and Chile will be bringing their entire population across the Andes in waves like the Huns in Mulan.

Group C: Colombia, Ivory Coast, Japan, Greece

Death Scale: Kel Mitchell

"I'm not dead. I promise." 

Despite what you may read.. um... everywhere, Kel Mitchell is not, and has never been, dead. He's the perfect representation of this group, though, because everyone knows about the Kel Mitchell Death Rumor. Every few years, someone will trot out the old "Hey, did you hear Kel Mitchell died?" routine at a party, only to go on Wikipedia and find that, once again, he's managed to not die yet. 

In the same way, I feel like the general public knows just enough about every team in this group to make it seem really intriguing. The playing styles and the talents in these games will clash mightily, and just like Kel's life post-Kenan and Kel, we'll learn a little bit more about each of these teams every time we check in on them. 

Group D: Uruguay, Italy, Costa Rica, England

Death Scale: The Old Christians Club Uruguayan rugby team

My, what big teeth they have.

The 2014 World Cup will be played in South America for the first time since 1978. That year, the host Argentinian side won the tournament. Chile played host to the 1962 World Cup, and Brazil came out victorious. Twelve years earlier, Brazil hosted the tournament and Uruguay lifted the trophy. Are we seeing a pattern here? 

South American teams win South American-hosted World Cups.

It even happened at the very first tournament in 1930, when Uruguay won the inaugural World Cup as the host nation. 

Unfortunately, the only logical Death Scale photo for this group recalls the story of the 1972 "Miracle in the Andes" - when a planeful of Uruguayan rugby players on their way to a game in Chile crash-landed on the snow-covered slopes and had to resort to cannibalism before their eventual rescue. 

Uruguay has to channel their miraculous 1972 ancestors and, unfortunately, feed on their less fortunate Central American opponents, Costa Rica. England might continue its recent run of slip-ups at major tournaments, especially as this World Cup will be played in muggy Brazil.

Group E: Switzerland, Ecuador, Honduras, France

Death Scale: Nicolas Flamel

"My hair product? ... Also camel spunk."

Many of you know Nicolas Flamel as a French Alchemist, and the only known creator of the Sorceror's Stone, a bloodred rock from which one can create the Elixir of Life - a substance that makes the drinker immortal. (He was also a real guy.)
In terms of ranking the Deathiness of this group, there is no better half-fictional sorta-real French alchemist than our boy Nicky here. The man was flat-out unable to die, despite his outrageous age (he was 665 when the Sorceror's Stone was destroyed), much the same way that this French national team seems unable to fail despite their very best efforts.

After being left for dead less than a month ago (seriously, more than 8/10 French people thought they were screwed), the French somehow roared back to life. They needed to beat the Ukraine by at least three goals (or by four if the Ukraine scored a goal) on the last day of European qualifying in order to make it to the World Cup, and somehow they pulled it off - winning 3-0 in Paris for one of the country's most famous victories.

Now, French fans must think they've died and gone to ciel. (That's "heaven" in French). This group is an absolute joke, and the French have a 78% chance to get through. Sacrebleu.

Group F: Argentina, Nigeria, Iran, Bosnia and Herzegovina
Death Scale: Jimmy Fallon

"I'm famous. I don't do my own hair. Jeesh."

Know how when someone famous dies, people say: "Wonder who had her in the death pool?" Well, two years ago, my friends and I started an actual celebrity death pool. Each person can pick up to three people, and the group gets to haggle on the odds of each celebrity's death. If your person dies, you get the amount of money that your person's odds were relative to 1. For example: I had Kim Jong Il at 9-1 last year, he died, and I got 9 dollars from everyone.

To keep things sane, we figured the longest possible odds should be 50-1. Then, you couldn't haggle for like 1,500-1 odds on Kate Middleton, then go to England and run her over with a truck (or something).

We decided that the celebrity with the longest odds of death, the one furthest from kicking the bucket, the human being at whose death you would be most shocked, is Jimmy Fallon. He is just so goddamn alive.

Now, don't get this confused. A low Deathiness rating does not mean that every team in a group is "alive" with a chance to get into the knockout stage. It simply means that the group is weaker than an unevolved Magikarp. Argentina should stomp every other team in this group. Period.

Group G: Germany, Ghana, United States, Portugal
Death Scale: (Sorry to do this, but) Paul Walker

RIP

I had to do it. It's that bad. Even if you're not a soccer fan (and if you're not, and still reading, congratulations), you've probably heard of either the death of Paul Walker or the impending doom faced by the US Men's National Team (AKA the mighty Von Trapps). These two things are not on the same level of tragedy, but they both represent the worst thing that had even a reasonable chance of happening.
Paul Walker loved fast cars. If someone asked you what terrible thing could perhaps be expected to happen to him, you'd say a death involving a fiery car wreck.

The USA was in Pot 3. If someone asked you what terrible group they could perhaps be expected to fall into, you'd inevitably give a top 3 team in the world, a team with which the USA has historic trouble, and a team with one or more unstoppable playmakers.

Well, that's exactly what you've got. The analysis will come later, but for now, it's hard to see a way out for the Von Trapps.

Group H: Belgium, Algeria, South Korea, Russia
Death Scale: Seven fluffy newborn ducklings

"Jeff? Turn around bro. Can we get one good photo please?"

Jesus Christ this group sucks. It was absolutely agonizing as a United States fan watching the draw, because the time in between the announcement of each successive team gave me more than enough time to release my inner cynic.
Let's review the tape. The USA had a 50-50 shot at being in this group, but instead were dumped into a group with the 2nd and 5th ranked teams in the world, rather than the 11th, 22nd, and 26th.

The polar opposite of a Group of Death. Coin flips are annoying when you lose three straight.