It's been well documented that our nation's prison system represents a
huge drain on taxpayer money, often puts the
wrong people behind bars, and generally acts as a
retardant to the mental and physical growth of a human being.
With all that said, jail time is still a pretty decent indication of the relative worth of a human being. Like, in general, the larger proportion of a person's life lived inside of a jail cell (or awaiting someone's decision on whether or not they'll occupy said cell), the less valuable that person is to society.
In separate but related news, there are a number of current or former NFL players who have made decisions shitty enough to land themselves a spot inside a concrete-lined cell. Some of these players were (or are) quite good. In fact, if you were to create some sort of offensive starting 11, it might look like this. (Lineup at the bottom)
QB: Michael Vick
Arrest story:
Vick was convicted of federal conspiracy in connection with his ownership of the Bad Newz Kennel dog fighting ring. At first he denied the whole thing and tried to blame it on his "
family members and cousin" (maybe he was using "cousin" as a loose term), before finally taking the fall. This cretin (hilariously aliased as Ron Mexico) was sentenced to 23 months in federal prison in 2007.
Football skills:
His sandlot style of play and legendary scrambling ability would surely make him the top quarterback in any prison league, where dicey field quality often hampers the choreographed short-passing offenses favored by so many NFL teams these days.
Prison movie parallel:
Elmo Blatch, The Shawshank Redemption
HB: Ray Rice
Arrest story:
Though this particular douchebag hasn't been officially sent to prison yet, it's really only a matter of time at this point. Unless you're
Patrick Star, you'll have heard about his actions and probably watched them. They're heinous and he deserves to sit in a cell for a very long time.
Football skills:
When he wasn't assaulting the mother of his child, he was juking and jiving his way to some Pro-Bowl seasons with the Ravens (who will make an appearance again later in this list). He's also got a low center of gravity, which is essential when trying to turn the corner on the loose dust of a Texas penitentiary exercise yard.
Prison movie parallel:
Frank Wheeler, Revolutionary Road (not set in a jail, but that relationship must have felt like one)
HB: OJ Simpson
Arrest story:
We couldn't have this list without the Juice. The original smooth criminal, this slippery fellow somehow weasled his way out of a murder conviction despite overwhelming evidence that he murdered his ex-wife and her new boyfriend. You know the story. He's also currently in jail for stealing his own memorabilia or something.
Football skills:
The man could scoot. He was the first player to run for 2,000 yards in a season, and he'll make up the other half of a potent backfield tandem with the domestic abuser.
Prison movie parallel:
Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption (but without the whole "actually innocent" thing)
FB: Jamal Lewis
Arrest story:
Jamal Lewis, in case you've forgotten, is the human bowling ball that used to play for the Ravens and, in 2003, won the AP Offensive Player of the Year. After his four-month stint in the clink for conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute cocaine, he came out even more jacked than usual.
Football skills:
That's right, it's the old Wishbone formation - a quarterback, two halfbacks and a fullback. Power sweeps like the old-time Green Bay Packers until they prove they can stop it. He'd be a perfect lead blocker for the three horsemen listed above.
Prison movie parallel:
Switowski, The Longest Yard
WR1: Michael Irvin
Arrest story:
Never able to quite escape the long arm of the law, the self-appointed "Playmaker" has a
"Legal Troubles" Wikipedia section longer than this blog post. My favorite nugget is this one: "When arrested he was lying on the floor covered in cocaine with multiple strippers performing sexual acts upon him." I think I'd take a criminal record for that.
Football skills:
When he could stay on the field, Irvin was one of the best wide receivers of all time, winning three Super Bowls and getting inducted into the Hall of Fame. The big guy can go up and get it, and he's already got plenty of experience in
prison football. This will make him an asset on the rare occasions this team needs to air it out.
Prison movie parallel:
Deacon Moss, The Longest Yard
TE: Aaron Hernandez
Arrest story:
You had to see this one coming. A-A-Ron was just convicted of first degree murder in the shooting of Odin Lloyd. He's also going to stand trial soon for a double murder that happened in Boston several years ago. A real stand-up guy.
Football skills:
I'll be honest though, when he was teaming up with Gronk to form the most feared tight end combination in NFL history, I was loving every second of it. The guy had the speed and leaping ability of a wide receiver combined with a brawn that overpowered all but the strongest safeties. He'd be a valuable security blanket for Vick if they needed a late third down conversion. Plus, I'm sure he's not averse to roughing up a few referees before the championship to intimidate them.
Prison movie equivalent:
Charlie Cheswick, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (more a mental hospital movie, but you get it)
LT: Kwame Harris
Arrest story:
Now, if you're still reading this, congratulations. But also, if you're still reading this, you might be saying "
Who?" - and I wouldn't blame you. Turns out that there aren't a lot of high-profile offensive linemen arrested these days. But Kwame's story is pretty interesting. [John Madden voice] Here's a guy who played six NFL seasons, played around a lot of great big, strong men, and it turns out he's actually[Rick Majerus voice (RIP)] a big gay guy. Sorry for all the voice changes. Point is, Kwame likes dudes, and the way we found this out was that he was arrested in California a few years ago for
having a slap fight with his ex-boyfriend. Except that slap fights are different if one of the guys is 6'7 and 240 pounds. His ex had to go to the hospital with broken orbital bones and needed surgery.
Football skills:
He was the 26th overall pick out of Stanford in 2003, and played left tackle for the 49ers and Raiders before falling out of the league. I debated putting him at right tackle, but felt that another man further down the list has some slightly better credentials for blocking Vick's blind side. In any case, if he can break a few orbital bones, he can probably hold his own in the prison league.
Prison movie character parallel:
Bogs Diamond, The Shawshank Redemption
LG: Daniel Kilgore
Arrest story:
Nothing much to see here. Kilgore's a backup OL for the 49ers who was arrested for public intoxication earlier this year. Apparently after the Niners lost to the Seahawks he went home and got shitfaced with his buddies, and the cops picked him up staggering down the street.
Football skills:
According to the
story of his arrest, he's a "valuable reserve" and played in every game last year. That's good enough for a starting left guard spot, because honestly no one cares about interior linemen. Plus, he and Harris both played for the Niners, and continuity is everything along the O-Line.
Prison movie parallel:
Tommy Williams, The Shawshank Redemption
C, Ray Lewis
Arrest story:
Who hasn't heard this one a few hundred times? The Ravens ought to stop drafting Rays. In short, he was outside a nightclub in Atlanta with some friends, got into a fight, and two people in the other group ended up dead. The white suit that he had been wearing that night was never found, and blood from one of the victims was found inside his limousine, but then his attorneys negotiated a plea deal where the murder charges against him were dropped in exchange for his testimony against his "friends." Sweet guy. Loves the Bible, I'm told.
Football skills:
On the field as well as off, the man is a born leader. He's a lump of solid steel and is almost impossible to get past, plus he commands the center of the field like a general directing troop movements. If he played an offensive position, it would have to be center.
Prison movie parallel:
Nathan Jessup, A Few Good Men (Not strictly a prison movie, plus Lewis never came clean. I'm reaching now).
RG: Gennaro DiNapoli
Arrest story:
In a nice change of pace, this human lump was busted for selling 330 Oxy pills to undercover DEA agents. Plus, he's absolutely one of the top ten most Italian people in the United States, and this list was pleading for some ethnic diversity.
Football skills:
I dunno, he once played for the Cowboys? He's a right guard and this team will thrive on the outside running game - his only job is to not get reverse-pancaked on every play.
Prison movie parallel:
Turley, The Longest Yard
RT: Bryant McKinnie
Arrest story:
Well for starters, he was involved in the
Vikings Love Boat scandal, which some people didn't find all that terrible (me) and some found rather terrible (the media). But also, he hit a bouncer outside of a Miami nightclub with a pole and was charged with aggravated battery, among other things. All things considered, not the worst guy on this list by a long shot. He also obviously missed Nelly's tutorial on where to put the Band-Aid.
Football story:
A top-10 draft pick out of THE U, McKinnie had some very solid years in the league. This gives him the highly coveted position of protecting Vick's blind side. Along with the fact that if anyone gets in his way, there's probably plenty of poles lying around a prison yard to be picked up and used for whacking people.
Prison movie parallel:
John Coffey, The Green Mile (just because I needed to put him in somewhere)
