Just finished a new short story. Submitted it to a competition for a British short story publication. It's a bold strategy Cotton, let's see if it works out for me. Read if you wish.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Monday, March 17, 2014
If You Want to Win Your Bracket Challenge, Don't Read This
It's finally that time of year. Tourney time. When hopes, dreams, and bank accounts are seen through rose-colored glasses, only to be dashed on the cold and unforgiving rocks of truth. You'll win some, you'll lose some, and you'll absolutely lose your family pool to Great Aunt Bertha who picks the teams based on whether she knows what the mascot is or not (sorry, Coastal Carolina, no upset for you this year).
And along with tourney time come the projections. Now, if you only read one March Madness preview article, don't read this one. I haven't watched nearly enough college basketball this year to make predictions that can be judged as fair or accurate. I usually lose my pools in spectacular fashion. And the fact that this is the first year that I'll have a Bovada account during March Madness does not bode well for my ability to pay rent this month.
Regardless, here are some fearless predictions, trends, and observations, many of which will surely be proven right, wrong, or somewhere in the middle.
1. Wisconsin will not make the Sweet 16
Wisconsin is a wonderful team to have in the Big Dance, because they're always prime candidates for an upset. Since making it to the Final 4 in 2000, the Badgers have only made it to the Sweet 16 in 5 out of the 13 tournaments, despite seeming to be a top 5 seed every year. They also play NO defense this year and they have barely any athleticism. I can actually see them getting a scare from American, and I'll almost bet the rent on a 7-over-2 "upset" by the Ducks of Oregon, an athletic team that was nationally ranked for much of the season.
2. Take Michigan State one round further than you think.
These first two predictions, both of Big Ten teams, are ironclad, set in stone, and as bankable as a bar of solid gold. Brought to you by the tournament handicappers of Vogel and Galloway, one of the most respected firms on the East Coast, it's just a lock that Tom Izzo will take a bunch of hardnosed, athletic, great-shooting Spartans on a Shermanesque march through the field. My gut tells me to put them into the Elite 8, which means that, per this rule, I'll be dropping them right into the Final Four. Look up their past results - all Tommy I does is romp through the tourney.
3. Take the under in the Harvard - Cincinnati game.
This is a battle of two of the best defensive teams in the tournament. Cincy lets up a paltry 58 points a game, and Harvard is only slightly less stingy, allowing 60 per contest. This game will be a war down low, and though Harvard might not have the power to contend with the Bearcats, they'll keep it close, milk the clock, and drag out a low-scoring game.
4. New Mexico State will beat San Diego State
This game is going to be awesome. San Diego State hasn't been scoring at the crazy clip that put them into the top 5 earlier in the season, after they had beaten Creighton, Marquette, and Kansas in a month(ish)long span. They beat 21st-ranked New Mexico by putting up 51, blew out a terrible Utah State team, then managed only 59 and 58 in their next two, against UNLV and New Mexico again. The Aztecs will feel like they've only played teams from New Mexico when they meet New Mexico State and 7-foot-5 Sim Bhullar. Yes, I said 7-foot-5. SDSU doesn't have anyone over 6-10. You do the math. Height > no height.
5. Creighton - Baylor will be an amazing game.
Provided both teams can escape the first round, this game will be incredible to watch. Dougie McBuckets and the Blue Jays might sound like a band that Buddy Holly and the Crickets would have had to contend with for airplay on the AM dial, but in reality it's just a scrappy bunch of 3-raining white folk who wear t-shirts and have names like Ethan Wragge. Baylor plays a lot of zone, so expect Creighton's snipers to be hoisting from deep. The Bears are no slouches themselves, setting a ton of ball screens on offense to open up looks for their shooters, most importantly noted loose butthole monocle aficionado Brady Heslip. This game will be close, exciting, and high-scoring. If I were a betting man (and I am), I'm taking Creighton. They have too many shooters.
6. Oklahoma - North Dakota State will be a 12-5 upset.
Usually, when faced with two teams about which I know nothing, I pick the team that came from the better conference. And I usually fail miserably. So this year I'm switching it up. No fancy analysis, no looking up stats and trying to determine which team will hit foul shots when it counts, just gut feeling. The Bison will bludgeon the Sooners. Da fuck is a Sooner anyway?
7. Arizona will be the only 1 seed to make the Final Four
Their region is stupidly easy, plus every single upset I've just described happens within this region. Wisconsin, the 2 seed, will fall. Creighton, the 3 seed, could trip up against Baylor. San Diego State, the 4 seed, will lose to New Mexico State. Oklahoma, the 5 seed, will lose to North Dakota State! The whole region will be rife with upsets! And that will clear a path for Arizona straight through to Arlington.
8. Wichita State is not as weak as everyone seems to think.
While everyone is lamenting the fact that the Midwest region is stacked and that Louisville somehow ended up with a 4 seed, the national narrative has left the Shockers undisturbed. I'm pretty sure that's good, because they're flying under the radar. I've seen a bunch of brackets that have them losing to Kentucky, and even more which have them losing to Louisville in the Sweet 16. Anyway, the Shockers are legit. Baker can rain, Early can slash, Van Vleet has a sick name, and their coach has 3 Gs in his name, which has to count for something. Wichy to the Elite 8 is not at all out of the question.
9. The highest seed in the Final Four will be a 4.
In the past few years, March truly has been Madness. Teams like Butler and Wichita State and George Mason have come from relatively nowhere to stun team after team, making runs to the Final Four which left office floors littered with torn-up-bracket confetti. This year, things will be different. Upsets will happen, as they always do. But this year's top 4 seeds, with a few notable exceptions (Villanova, San Diego State, Wisconsin) are unreal. All the 1-seeds are contenders, and many people have Louisville or Michigan State (both 4s) as champion. Add to this perennial powers like Duke, Kansas, Michigan, and .. um.. Creighton (?), and you have a recipe for a top-notch Final Four.
10. You will not win your bracket pool.
And neither will I. You will lose money, respect, happiness, sleep, your cool, and your dignity. And you will love it.
Let the Madness begin.
 |
| Apparently, a Chanticleer is a bird with a nutsack for a chin. |
Regardless, here are some fearless predictions, trends, and observations, many of which will surely be proven right, wrong, or somewhere in the middle.
1. Wisconsin will not make the Sweet 16
Wisconsin is a wonderful team to have in the Big Dance, because they're always prime candidates for an upset. Since making it to the Final 4 in 2000, the Badgers have only made it to the Sweet 16 in 5 out of the 13 tournaments, despite seeming to be a top 5 seed every year. They also play NO defense this year and they have barely any athleticism. I can actually see them getting a scare from American, and I'll almost bet the rent on a 7-over-2 "upset" by the Ducks of Oregon, an athletic team that was nationally ranked for much of the season.
2. Take Michigan State one round further than you think.
These first two predictions, both of Big Ten teams, are ironclad, set in stone, and as bankable as a bar of solid gold. Brought to you by the tournament handicappers of Vogel and Galloway, one of the most respected firms on the East Coast, it's just a lock that Tom Izzo will take a bunch of hardnosed, athletic, great-shooting Spartans on a Shermanesque march through the field. My gut tells me to put them into the Elite 8, which means that, per this rule, I'll be dropping them right into the Final Four. Look up their past results - all Tommy I does is romp through the tourney.
3. Take the under in the Harvard - Cincinnati game.
This is a battle of two of the best defensive teams in the tournament. Cincy lets up a paltry 58 points a game, and Harvard is only slightly less stingy, allowing 60 per contest. This game will be a war down low, and though Harvard might not have the power to contend with the Bearcats, they'll keep it close, milk the clock, and drag out a low-scoring game.
 |
| Not to mention, Cincinnati is coached by Ned Schneebly. |
This game is going to be awesome. San Diego State hasn't been scoring at the crazy clip that put them into the top 5 earlier in the season, after they had beaten Creighton, Marquette, and Kansas in a month(ish)long span. They beat 21st-ranked New Mexico by putting up 51, blew out a terrible Utah State team, then managed only 59 and 58 in their next two, against UNLV and New Mexico again. The Aztecs will feel like they've only played teams from New Mexico when they meet New Mexico State and 7-foot-5 Sim Bhullar. Yes, I said 7-foot-5. SDSU doesn't have anyone over 6-10. You do the math. Height > no height.
 |
| "FEAR ME, TINY ONE" |
Provided both teams can escape the first round, this game will be incredible to watch. Dougie McBuckets and the Blue Jays might sound like a band that Buddy Holly and the Crickets would have had to contend with for airplay on the AM dial, but in reality it's just a scrappy bunch of 3-raining white folk who wear t-shirts and have names like Ethan Wragge. Baylor plays a lot of zone, so expect Creighton's snipers to be hoisting from deep. The Bears are no slouches themselves, setting a ton of ball screens on offense to open up looks for their shooters, most importantly noted loose butthole monocle aficionado Brady Heslip. This game will be close, exciting, and high-scoring. If I were a betting man (and I am), I'm taking Creighton. They have too many shooters.
6. Oklahoma - North Dakota State will be a 12-5 upset.
Usually, when faced with two teams about which I know nothing, I pick the team that came from the better conference. And I usually fail miserably. So this year I'm switching it up. No fancy analysis, no looking up stats and trying to determine which team will hit foul shots when it counts, just gut feeling. The Bison will bludgeon the Sooners. Da fuck is a Sooner anyway?
7. Arizona will be the only 1 seed to make the Final Four
Their region is stupidly easy, plus every single upset I've just described happens within this region. Wisconsin, the 2 seed, will fall. Creighton, the 3 seed, could trip up against Baylor. San Diego State, the 4 seed, will lose to New Mexico State. Oklahoma, the 5 seed, will lose to North Dakota State! The whole region will be rife with upsets! And that will clear a path for Arizona straight through to Arlington.
 |
| This is what people's West regions will look like. |
While everyone is lamenting the fact that the Midwest region is stacked and that Louisville somehow ended up with a 4 seed, the national narrative has left the Shockers undisturbed. I'm pretty sure that's good, because they're flying under the radar. I've seen a bunch of brackets that have them losing to Kentucky, and even more which have them losing to Louisville in the Sweet 16. Anyway, the Shockers are legit. Baker can rain, Early can slash, Van Vleet has a sick name, and their coach has 3 Gs in his name, which has to count for something. Wichy to the Elite 8 is not at all out of the question.
9. The highest seed in the Final Four will be a 4.
In the past few years, March truly has been Madness. Teams like Butler and Wichita State and George Mason have come from relatively nowhere to stun team after team, making runs to the Final Four which left office floors littered with torn-up-bracket confetti. This year, things will be different. Upsets will happen, as they always do. But this year's top 4 seeds, with a few notable exceptions (Villanova, San Diego State, Wisconsin) are unreal. All the 1-seeds are contenders, and many people have Louisville or Michigan State (both 4s) as champion. Add to this perennial powers like Duke, Kansas, Michigan, and .. um.. Creighton (?), and you have a recipe for a top-notch Final Four.
10. You will not win your bracket pool.
And neither will I. You will lose money, respect, happiness, sleep, your cool, and your dignity. And you will love it.
 |
| You will look like this. Trust me. |
Let the Madness begin.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Best XI: Names of the 2013-2014 English Premier League
This is a bit on the late side, as the Premier League season is already sprinting to its inevitably breathless conclusion. We're somehow 28/38ths of the way done, which, of course, reduces nicely to 14/19ths.
But I digress.
Since its inception in 1992, the Premier League has seen players from more than a hundred different nations suit up for its clubs. That's a lot of very foreign, and very interesting names. Some of my favorites from years past include:
Papa Bouba Diop
Morten GAMST Pedersen
Ruud Van Nistelrooy
Alright, enough chitter chatter. On to the Best XI: Names of the EPL. We'll be using a 4-3-3 formation because we're pressing up for maximum goals. Feast or famine with this side.
Goalkeeper
G: Jussi Jääskeläinen - West Ham United
If West Ham fans don't refer to this Finn as Juicy J, then I've lost all faith in humanity. Also, LOOK at all those accent marks! The dude's last name looks like a damn daisy meadow.
Defenders
"RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"
'Nuff said.
Ahmed Elmohamady - Hull City
Anyone with "Elmo" in their name makes the squad. No exceptions.
The fact that there's a midfielder named Cleverley is fantastic.
This dude's name is more confused than Adam Sandler in 50 First Dates. His given name is John Michael Nchekwube Obinna. Then, in 2003, the Nigerian Football Association submitted his name on a team sheet as "Mikel" instead of "Michael." He liked the sound of that, and clearly hated his father Michael, so he just changed it permanently to Mikel. At some point, he dropped the unpronounceable N-name in the middle, as well as the end of his surname, and then switched his middle and last name, turning into the famous John Obi Mikel. Now, inexplicably, his name on team sheets appears as John Mikel Obi again, although he has stated that he prefers to be called Mikel John Obi.
This name is just fun to say. I mean, Peter is decent, but Odemwingie is tremendous. O-dem-wing-gee. Wonderful.
Of all the combinations of words that flow well off the tongue ("creamed corn," "buttered biscuits," "tally whacker," "playfully anti-Semitic"), Sammy Ameobi is the unquestioned champion. Say that name five times and unicorns will erupt from the nearest fire hydrant.
Ricky.
But I digress.
Since its inception in 1992, the Premier League has seen players from more than a hundred different nations suit up for its clubs. That's a lot of very foreign, and very interesting names. Some of my favorites from years past include:
Papa Bouba Diop
Morten GAMST Pedersen
Ruud Van Nistelrooy
Alright, enough chitter chatter. On to the Best XI: Names of the EPL. We'll be using a 4-3-3 formation because we're pressing up for maximum goals. Feast or famine with this side.
Goalkeeper
G: Jussi Jääskeläinen - West Ham United
 |
| Those thighs look awfully jussi. |
Defenders
Nacho Monreal - Arsenal
 |
| Sip. |
I read this guy's name as "Nacho Montreal" every time, without fail. Makes me think of some fancy French-Canadian tortilla chip dish. If Ben Foster had a brother named Bananas, we could have the dessert as well as the appetizer.
Kévin Théophile-Catherine - Cardiff City
 |
| "Atomic Forearm!" |
Along with having a surname composed of a Biblical term and a woman's first name, Kev here has a damn accent mark over the "e" in Kevin. How are we supposed to pronounce "Kevin" any differently? "KAYvin"?
John Arne Riise - Fulham
"RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"
'Nuff said.
Ahmed Elmohamady - Hull City
 |
| "Sandwich time for Ahmend!" |
Midfielders
Tom Cleverley - Manchester United
 |
| "EW Ahmed get that sandwich outta here." |
John Mikel Obi (Mikel) - Chelsea
 |
| Rocket fart in 3.. 2.. 1... |
Got all that?
Robert Snodgrass is the perfect name for a Scotsman. And that's what we have here. A red-nosed, bearded, evidently psychotic Scotsman.
Robert Snodgrass - Norwich City
 |
| "IT'SA ME! WAAAARIO!" |
Forwards
Peter Odemwingie - Stoke City
 |
| "Cool story bro!" |
Sammy Ameobi - Newcastle United
 |
| "Psyche." |
Ricky van Wolfswinkel - Norwich City
 |
| "Hooah! Gut punch activated!" |
van.
WOLFSWINKEL.
That name was destined for stardom.
Bench
Jed Steer, Goalkeeper, Aston Villa
Lee Cattermole, Midfielder, Sunderland
Yussuf Mulumbu, Midfielder, West Bromwich Albion
Gary Hooper, Forward, Norwich City ("Hooper drives the boat, Chief!")
Adnan Januzaj, Forward, Manchester United
Romelu Lukaku, Forward, Everton
Gabriel Agbonlahor, Forward, Aston Villa
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Throwback Thursday Speculative Rip: Perry Kitchen
Perry Kitchen is a 22-year old soccer player with a silly fucking name. Like, seriously, Mr. and Mrs. Kitchen, your kid's last name is going to be KITCHEN. Maybe you could think about giving him a nice, normal name like John or Steve? Anything but Perry. Kid must have been teased mercilessly growing up.
Regardless, he now plays for DC United in MLS. But in 2010, he was a member of the NCAA Champion Akron Zips. And he scored an absolute peach of a goal during the early rounds of the College Cup. Enjoy.
More like the Akron RIPS, am I right???
Regardless, he now plays for DC United in MLS. But in 2010, he was a member of the NCAA Champion Akron Zips. And he scored an absolute peach of a goal during the early rounds of the College Cup. Enjoy.
More like the Akron RIPS, am I right???
Monday, March 3, 2014
The Best Athlete to Wear Every Number
The number that an athlete wears on the back of their jersey seems like it would be just that - a number. But it is so much more than that. Some athletes wear numbers to pay tribute to other athletes, some to honor family members, and some because they have a chip on the shoulder that doesn't have a handgun holstered to it.
 |
| Still not as good as Shawn Marion |
Whatever the reason, athletes become attached to their numbers. There are tons of stories of players moving to a new team and paying the current wearer of the number an outrageous sum for their coveted digits. Shit, Giants punter Jeff Feagles sold his number 10 to Eli Manning for a vacation in Florida, then sold his new number 17 to Plaxico Burress for an outdoor kitchen at his Arizona home!
Obviously, numbers are a big deal. And there are a hundred and one of them in sports, starting with 00 and ending with 99.
Want to know who was the best to ever wear a certain number? Scroll down.
Obviously, numbers are a big deal. And there are a hundred and one of them in sports, starting with 00 and ending with 99.
Want to know who was the best to ever wear a certain number? Scroll down.
00 - Robert Parish
0 - Shawn Marion
- Ozzie Smith
- Derek Jeter
- Babe Ruth
- Bobby Orr
- Joe Dimaggio
- Bill Russell
- John Elway
- Cal Ripken Jr
- Ted Williams
- (Tie) Pele and Diego Maradona
- Mark Messier
- Tom Brady
- Wilt Chamberlain
- Pete Rose
- Bart Starr
- Joe Montana
- John Havlicek
- Peyton Manning
- Johnny Unitas
- Barry Sanders
- Roberto Clemente
- Emmitt Smith
- Michael Jordan
- Willie Mays
- Barry Bonds
- Wade Boggs
- Carlton Fisk
- Marshall Faulk
- Satchel Paige
- Martin Brodeur
- Greg Maddux
- Magic Johnson
- Larry Bird
- Bo Jackson
- Kevin Durant
- Jerome Bettis
- Shawn Alexander
- Curt Schilling
- Dominic Hasek
- Gale Sayers
- Tom Seaver
- Jackie Robinson
- Dennis Eckersley
- Hank Aaron
- Pedro Martinez
- Andy Pettitte
- Tom Glavine
- Daryl "Moose" Johnston
- Ron Guidry
- Mike Singletary
- Dick Butkus
- Ray Lewis
- Don Drysdale
- Tedy Bruschi
- Junior Seau
- Lawrence Taylor
- Francisco Rodriguez
- Jack Lambert
- Jack Ham
- Otto Graham
- Josh Beckett
- Jim Langer
- Gene Upshaw
- Jerry Kramer
- Elvin Bethea
- Mario Lemeiux
- Bob Keuchenberg
- Jaromir Jagr
- Mark Schlereth
- Sam Huff
- George Connor
- Carlton Fisk (yes, he is the only player on this list to appear twice).
- John Hannah
- Merlin Olsen
- "Mean" Joe Green
- Steve Hutchinson
- Ray Borque
- Bruce Smith
- Roosevelt "Rosey" Brown
- Jerry Rice
- Dick "Night Train" Lane
- Raymond Berry
- Andre Reed
- Randy Moss
- Jack Youngblood
- Hines Ward
- Sidney Crosby
- Mario Lemieux
- Mike Ditka
- Neil Smith
- Sergei Fedorov
- Reggie White
- Doug Gilmour
- Charles Haley
- Richard Dent
- Cortez Kennedy
- Jeremy Roenick
- Tony Siragusa
- Wayne Gretzky
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
The 5 Worst Places on Earth
There are some places on this planet that just plain suck. Places that, when you find yourself there, make you look around and, if you're in a particularly good mood, think Good Lord, this place is awful.
If you happen to be in a normal to grumpy mood, you might be forgiven for seeking the nearest hole in the ground or piece of drug paraphernalia.
Now, before we go on, I'm not talking about generic places like work or middle school. I'm going for specifics.
This is the list of places that I've encountered in my relatively short life that are genuinely, unquestionably, absolutely fucking awful.
5. In goal during a second-half penalty kick.
Not during a shootout, when players are tired from a game and a half of running. Not during extra time, when players are incredibly nervous because of the added significance of the moment. Nope, statistically, the worst time to be attempting to save a penalty kick in soccer (already one of the most difficult things to do) is when the kick taker has played between 45 and 90 minutes. On average, those players will convert 75% of their tries.
It sucks enough to be a soccer goalie. Often, they're said to have a touch of the ol' crazy upstairs, and the few keepers I'm friends with would seem to support this (what up Greg and Garrett). When the only thing between you and giving up a precious goal is 12 yards of oxygen, nitrogen, and other atmospheric gases? Forget about it. Just pick a side and hope the dude doesn't Jersey Ball it.
4. With fans of the opposing team after an eliminating loss
We've all been there. Your team is playing a huge game against some team your buddy roots for, and your boys can't come through. The teasing, taunting, shit-talking, and general buffoonery have ruined many a friendship. This situation fortunately didn't happen to me during the nearly unmentionable "2 in 17" tragedy, but it did during the actually unmentionable Helmet Catch that Shall Not Be Named or Pictured.
Now, before you assume that I'm fool enough to be friends with any Giants fans, I'll tell you that these particular fans lived in the apartment next to us my senior year. The were very very loud and very very obnoxious. And of course, while we Pats fans sat in stunned silence after that diaper rash of a game, the apartment next to us was shaking with joy. I wanted to tear down that wall, Gorbachev-style, and throttle each and every person in that apartment.
3. The Braintree Split.
Whichever drunk-ass civil engineer created this bit of pure Hell on Earth should have to drive through it in every direction, every day, during rush hour. If you don't know what this horrific over/under/over/through/around/overpass is, consider yourself lucky.
It's the intersection of pretty much every major highway south of Boston. Words that occur on Google Autocomplete when you type in "Braintree Split" include "traffic," "accident," and "payment," the last one presumably in reference to the small part of your soul that you deposit directly into Lucifer's personal checking account every time you crawl through this horrific stretch. Half of the Wikipedia entry for the Split is dedicated to "Congestion Issues," if that give you an indication. And God forbid you have to change lanes. This is where roughly 83% of all road rage between Boston and Providence occurs.
2. The operating room.
Clearly, if you're in the operating room, something has not gone as it should have. I've had three "surgeries" in my life, though the first one was when I got my wisdom teeth out, which is pretty standard. Even still, the operating room is a terrible place to find yourself.
If we're going chronologically, the shittiness of the operating room sets in WAY before you show up there. Knowing you have to have surgery is one of the worst feelings in the world. Yes, you know the surgeon is ridiculously overqualified and could probably have repaired whatever's wrong with you when he/she was halfway through medical school, but it's still scary thinking about how someone is going to knock you unconscious and then slice you open.
The experience of being in the operation room? Brutal. First off, I hate needles, and operation rooms are full of 'em. So that sucks. Your fear is at an all-time high and you can't acknowledge it. So when the doc asks you "How are you feeling?" or some other bullshit thing, you have to be like, "Fine! Just great, really" when it feels like there's a nest of snakes feeding on a fresh rabbit carcass in your stomach.
Then, the aftereffects. Let's just say, they're not pretty. Dizzy, woozy, sleepy, in lots of pain, doped out of your mind, and extremely nauseous are some of the words that come to mind. All in all, what a fucking terrible place.
1. The Massachusetts RMV.
Is it RMV, or DMV? Honestly, who gives a shit. This place is truly and completely the worst. A good way to tell if something is 100% horrible is to ask yourself this question: If you didn't have to, would you still go to this place? And the answer for the RMV is a resounding fuck no.
No one who has ever set foot in the RMV has wanted to be there - you were either scared shitless getting your permit/license, bored and annoyed getting your license renewed, or else reduced to a quivering rage pile due to the complete ineptitude and, even worse, abject disdain for your existence shown by the (nearly always) overweight mumbly woman behind the counter.
My friend Tim has now made two, count 'em, TWO unsuccessful trips to this black hole of blood-boiling exasperation, and has exactly ZERO to show for it besides a depleted gas tank and several hours of his life that he will never recover. All he wanted were some new Massachusetts license plates, as he now lives in Massachusetts instead of Maryland. Well, apparently you need to present an original copy of every document of personal identification ever issued to you, signed in blood by your mother's maternal grandmother's favorite clergyman.
Fuck you, RMV. Fuck you so hard.
If you happen to be in a normal to grumpy mood, you might be forgiven for seeking the nearest hole in the ground or piece of drug paraphernalia.
Now, before we go on, I'm not talking about generic places like work or middle school. I'm going for specifics.
This is the list of places that I've encountered in my relatively short life that are genuinely, unquestionably, absolutely fucking awful.
5. In goal during a second-half penalty kick.
Not during a shootout, when players are tired from a game and a half of running. Not during extra time, when players are incredibly nervous because of the added significance of the moment. Nope, statistically, the worst time to be attempting to save a penalty kick in soccer (already one of the most difficult things to do) is when the kick taker has played between 45 and 90 minutes. On average, those players will convert 75% of their tries.
 |
| In penalty shootouts, results may vary. Even for the world's best strikers. |
4. With fans of the opposing team after an eliminating loss
We've all been there. Your team is playing a huge game against some team your buddy roots for, and your boys can't come through. The teasing, taunting, shit-talking, and general buffoonery have ruined many a friendship. This situation fortunately didn't happen to me during the nearly unmentionable "2 in 17" tragedy, but it did during the actually unmentionable Helmet Catch that Shall Not Be Named or Pictured.
 |
| Pictured: a man with 54 career NFL receptions |
3. The Braintree Split.
Whichever drunk-ass civil engineer created this bit of pure Hell on Earth should have to drive through it in every direction, every day, during rush hour. If you don't know what this horrific over/under/over/through/around/overpass is, consider yourself lucky.
 |
| Looks fun, right? |
2. The operating room.
Clearly, if you're in the operating room, something has not gone as it should have. I've had three "surgeries" in my life, though the first one was when I got my wisdom teeth out, which is pretty standard. Even still, the operating room is a terrible place to find yourself.
 |
| Please tell me that's a bowl of condoms in the foreground. |
If we're going chronologically, the shittiness of the operating room sets in WAY before you show up there. Knowing you have to have surgery is one of the worst feelings in the world. Yes, you know the surgeon is ridiculously overqualified and could probably have repaired whatever's wrong with you when he/she was halfway through medical school, but it's still scary thinking about how someone is going to knock you unconscious and then slice you open.
The experience of being in the operation room? Brutal. First off, I hate needles, and operation rooms are full of 'em. So that sucks. Your fear is at an all-time high and you can't acknowledge it. So when the doc asks you "How are you feeling?" or some other bullshit thing, you have to be like, "Fine! Just great, really" when it feels like there's a nest of snakes feeding on a fresh rabbit carcass in your stomach.
Then, the aftereffects. Let's just say, they're not pretty. Dizzy, woozy, sleepy, in lots of pain, doped out of your mind, and extremely nauseous are some of the words that come to mind. All in all, what a fucking terrible place.
1. The Massachusetts RMV.
Is it RMV, or DMV? Honestly, who gives a shit. This place is truly and completely the worst. A good way to tell if something is 100% horrible is to ask yourself this question: If you didn't have to, would you still go to this place? And the answer for the RMV is a resounding fuck no.
 |
| Everyone in this room is contemplating either homicide or suicide. |
My friend Tim has now made two, count 'em, TWO unsuccessful trips to this black hole of blood-boiling exasperation, and has exactly ZERO to show for it besides a depleted gas tank and several hours of his life that he will never recover. All he wanted were some new Massachusetts license plates, as he now lives in Massachusetts instead of Maryland. Well, apparently you need to present an original copy of every document of personal identification ever issued to you, signed in blood by your mother's maternal grandmother's favorite clergyman.
Fuck you, RMV. Fuck you so hard.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Three Rips of Increasing Speculosity
After a brief hiatus, including a lovely vacation in Puerto Rico, we're back with everyone's favorite feature: the Inigo Martinez Speculative Rip of the Week.
In order to make up for the lack of spectacular goals, I humbly present to you a triple dipper. A sample platter, if you will, of the choicest morsels of rip steak, in order from least to most outrageous.
1. Memphis Depay - PSV Eindhoven
Based on his name, Dutch youngster Memphis Depay ought to be the color commentator next to Sunny Day in the newest edition to the Backyard Sports series: Backyard Rap Battles. However, as this game is still in the earliest stages of production (read: my brain), he's forced to stick with his back-up plan of playing professional soccer, and scoring clever curlers like this one:
2. Hakan Calhanoglu - Hamburg
On any other day, this would be the unquestioned winner of the coveted SROTW award. It's got all the components: distance, power, knucklage, a diving and overmatched keeper, and a pair of great big swinging balls that gave Mr. C the confidence to even try such a thing. However, it lacks that certain something - the pizzazz, the flair, the psychotic randomness that dominates much of the soccer world. This was simply a rocket free kick from near midfield, with your team already leading by 2 goals in the 90th minute. Ambitious and excellent, but no match for number 1.
1. Rogelio Chavez - Cruz Azul
This goal stretches the definition of the term "speculative rip" to new extremes. Truthfully, it was more of an emergency rip, taken to win a challenge, than any kind of effort on goal. But the celebration and the emotion was real, and frankly it's kind of hilarious how the goalie looks like a confused panda whose favorite munchy bamboo is just out of reach. Enjoy.
In order to make up for the lack of spectacular goals, I humbly present to you a triple dipper. A sample platter, if you will, of the choicest morsels of rip steak, in order from least to most outrageous.
1. Memphis Depay - PSV Eindhoven
Based on his name, Dutch youngster Memphis Depay ought to be the color commentator next to Sunny Day in the newest edition to the Backyard Sports series: Backyard Rap Battles. However, as this game is still in the earliest stages of production (read: my brain), he's forced to stick with his back-up plan of playing professional soccer, and scoring clever curlers like this one:
2. Hakan Calhanoglu - Hamburg
On any other day, this would be the unquestioned winner of the coveted SROTW award. It's got all the components: distance, power, knucklage, a diving and overmatched keeper, and a pair of great big swinging balls that gave Mr. C the confidence to even try such a thing. However, it lacks that certain something - the pizzazz, the flair, the psychotic randomness that dominates much of the soccer world. This was simply a rocket free kick from near midfield, with your team already leading by 2 goals in the 90th minute. Ambitious and excellent, but no match for number 1.
1. Rogelio Chavez - Cruz Azul
This goal stretches the definition of the term "speculative rip" to new extremes. Truthfully, it was more of an emergency rip, taken to win a challenge, than any kind of effort on goal. But the celebration and the emotion was real, and frankly it's kind of hilarious how the goalie looks like a confused panda whose favorite munchy bamboo is just out of reach. Enjoy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)