The Inigo Martinez Speculative Rip of the Week: Alexander Tettey

In a battle between two relegation-threatened Premier League sides, Norwich City put away Jozy Altidore and Sunderland 2-0 on March 22. One of the Canaries' goals came on this absolute thumper from midfielder Alexander Tettey.

Actually, check that. It wasn't a thumper. It was something much better than that. A wonderful website called 101 Great Goals described it perfectly. Their phrase for this rocket:

An "incredible thunderbastard."

Yes, that's right, they called it a fucking THUNDERBASTARD.

God I love the Brits.

Throwback Thursday Speculative Rip: Perry Kitchen

Perry Kitchen is a 22-year old soccer player with a silly fucking name. Like, seriously, Mr. and Mrs. Kitchen, your kid's last name is going to be KITCHEN. Maybe you could think about giving him a nice, normal name like John or Steve? Anything but Perry. Kid must have been teased mercilessly growing up.

Regardless, he now plays for DC United in MLS. But in 2010, he was a member of the NCAA Champion Akron Zips. And he scored an absolute peach of a goal during the early rounds of the College Cup. Enjoy.




More like the Akron RIPS, am I right???

Three Rips of Increasing Speculosity

After a brief hiatus, including a lovely vacation in Puerto Rico, we're back with everyone's favorite feature: the Inigo Martinez Speculative Rip of the Week.

In order to make up for the lack of spectacular goals, I humbly present to you a triple dipper. A sample platter, if you will, of the choicest morsels of rip steak, in order from least to most outrageous.

1. Memphis Depay - PSV Eindhoven

Based on his name, Dutch youngster Memphis Depay ought to be the color commentator next to Sunny Day in the newest edition to the Backyard Sports series: Backyard Rap Battles. However, as this game is still in the earliest stages of production (read: my brain), he's forced to stick with his back-up plan of playing professional soccer, and scoring clever curlers like this one:





2. Hakan Calhanoglu - Hamburg

On any other day, this would be the unquestioned winner of the coveted SROTW award. It's got all the components: distance, power, knucklage, a diving and overmatched keeper, and a pair of great big swinging balls that gave Mr. C the confidence to even try such a thing. However, it lacks that certain something - the pizzazz, the flair, the psychotic randomness that dominates much of the soccer world. This was simply a rocket free kick from near midfield, with your team already leading by 2 goals in the 90th minute. Ambitious and excellent, but no match for number 1.





1. Rogelio Chavez - Cruz Azul

This goal stretches the definition of the term "speculative rip" to new extremes. Truthfully, it was more of an emergency rip, taken to win a challenge, than any kind of effort on goal. But the celebration and the emotion was real, and frankly it's kind of hilarious how the goalie looks like a confused panda whose favorite munchy bamboo is just out of reach. Enjoy.

The Inigo Martinez Speculative Rip of the Week: Selemani Ndikumana

That's the most multicultural headline I've ever written.

Recently, Burundi played Mauritania in a matchup of countries that you might miss if you were taking Sporcle's Countries of the World quiz. The captain of this Burundish side is a man named Selemani Ndikumana, which I'm assuming is pronounced "Sell uh man ee En dick you man ah." Riveting stuff.

Like I said, he's the captain, and apparently a worthy one if he produces efforts like this. Don't be alarmed by the missile speeding across your screen at the beginning of the clip - it's just the ball going to its natural home. The whole clip is great - from the slow-mo replay of what looks to be a giant tennis ball rocketing into the upper corner to the uber slow-mo (and unnecessarily zoomed-in) replay of Ndikumana's teammates celebrating like college benchwarmers after a posterization.

Anyway, here's the rip. Speculative in nature, successful in results.




UPDATE: After some quick Google/Wikipedia sleuthing, I've determined that this was a BIG goal - a game-winning strike in the 4th minute of extra time that gave Burundi the victory in the group stage of the African Nations Championship - which I guess is different than the African Cup of Nations somehow.

The Speculative Rip of 2013: Rene Steer

Since (re)starting this feature on August 23rd with Juventus's Paul Pogba, we've seen some downright pulverizing finishes. I've posted nine Speculative Rips of the Week since that first one, obviously showing that my grasp on the meaning of the word "week" is shaky at best. You can view all ten here.

The question now becomes: Of these ten, which is best.

Like most simple questions, the answer is complicated. Let's rewind.

It all must have started when I was around eight or nine years old, playing in my fir---

Nah, just fuckin' with ya. Which one's the best? How about the one that rips the hardest. Without further ado, the 23-year-old left back of St. Neots Town, an English seventh-division side, brings you the most bodacious dollop of rip sauce served up in the year of Our Lord 2013, thanks be to God.

Rene Steer, take it away.

(Oh yeah, play this song while watching for maximum enjoyment).

Inigo Martinez Speculative Rip of the Week: Marcelo Vidal

If someone were to ask you to define the term "speculative rip," you would point them straight in the direction of this goal. Marcelo Vidal, a midfielder from Atletico Independiente, a nondescript second-tier Argentinian side, caught a touch of the ol' Inigo Martinez fever with three minutes left in their game against Patronato.

Straight from a free kick, Vidal takes two steps and uncorks a freaking BULLET at the opposing goal. This might even be more impressive than Martinez's two attempts, because the keeper is kind of in a good position. He is just beaten by the scorching missile that screams over his head into the back of the old onion bag. What a strike. 

The Inigo Martinez Speculative Rip of the Week: Paul Scholes

That's right, folks. It's everyone's favorite ginger midget, Paul Scholes. I'm not sure what the man they call "Satnav" has been up to during his second retirement, but clearly he has a hard time staying away from soccer matches.

Usually known for inch-perfect passes and laser-guided rocket goals, today we see Paul with a more delicate attempt.

Playing in some nondescript Sunday league match, Scholes slips in from the left and nips the ball around the 40 second mark in the video, then lets fly with a Beckham-esque attempt from over the halfway line. The keeper is obviously stunned, as anyone in their right mind would be.



Just Satnav being Satnav. If only we knew how he did it!

Inigo Martinez Speculative Rip of the Week: Paul Pogba

At last! Our first repeat winner of the Speculative Rip of the Week crown since the original (and still unbeaten) champion, Inigo Martinez himself. This bit of magic comes from Paul Pogba, a British youngster with a tendency to smash soccer balls past professional goalkeepers from long distances with his right foot.



What a marvelously awful first touch. I've watched this probably 15 times, and I think the ball took a bit of a hop before he received it, but I'd say it was a decent recovery. Post and in!

Video of Pogba's dramatic first effort is available here. Clearly the boy enjoys that outside of the right foot technique.

Inigo Martinez Speculative Rip of the Week: Sean Franklin

The MLS Playoffs are in full swing, and the best soccer league in our own backyard has served up a tasty morsel of rip sauce, courtesy of Sean Franklin.

He's the guy who you don't see until the moment before the ball is propelled into the net like a torpedo from a submarine.

Inigo Martinez Speculative Rip of the Week: Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Finally, a player with some name recognition. This game is at halftime, and Zlatan has already smashed his way to a hat trick in PSG's Champions League tilt with Anderlecht. Though I haven't been watching, I can't imagine this isn't the best goal of the bunch: an audacious effort from a player who is well known for his audacious efforts.

Inigo Martinez Speculative Rip of the Week: Kenet Arce

This goal shows the joy of soccer in its purest form. This is from some lower league, potentially in Spain. But honestly, that doesn't matter. It could be from anywhere in the world. The only thing that matters is the passion.

The shot, as Arce lunges forward and booms one home from distance. The keeper, stunned into total immobility as the ball trickles back out between his legs. The announcer, pulling in every molecule of air in the undoubtedly cramped press box to let loose with a "Golaaaasssoooo" for the ages. The celebration, both individually and collectively. And finally, the crowd. You could generously call this stadium half-full, but that only gives the fans more room to jump up and down on the bleachers in delirium. And once again, the announcer, "GOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL"ing his way through it all with reckless abandon.

Soccer is truly the best sport in the world. 

Hisato Sato Ain't Got Nothin' on This: Updated Speculative Rip of the Week - Rene Steer

This comes from the magical tournament known as the FA Cup, wherein EVERY SINGLE PROFESSIONAL SOCCER TEAM IN ENGLAND starts out with a chance to be champion.

A man whose family is named after a castrated male cow, Rene Steer toils along in complete obscurity, six leagues removed from the fame and glory of the Premier League.

But this doesn't mean that he can't play. Check out this fucking howitzer, as he comes in nearly undetected from the side of the screen and pulverizes the ball off the underside of the bar. I can only imagine what Ray Hudson would have to say about this goal.

The Inigo Martinez Speculative Rip of the Week: Hisato Sato

This week's effort comes from the land of the rising sun. Megastar Hisato Sato lets this ball sink over his right shoulder, only to swivel and fire a topsin screamer into the far top 90. Outrageous goal.

The Inigo Martinez Speculative Rip of the Week: Arkadiusz Piech

WHO????

Arkadiusz Piech, that's who.

I had never heard of him, either. Mainly because he plays for Zaglebie Lubin, a (Wikipedia....) top-level Polish professional team based in the undoubtedly historic and prosperous city of Lubin.

Anyway, the guy sees a defender in front of him and, rather than try anything strange like passing or dribbling around him, he just uncorks a long-range missile attack into the back of the onion bag. Good on ya, Arkadiusz. Early contender for Name of the Year.

The Inigo Martinez Speculative Rip of the Week

Note: this is not a video, but a mere teaser image. The video is in the link at the end. 


This is an emergency post, and also the beginning of a feature that I started on an old blog, called 3 Man Wall, that I curated with two of my friends. The title is a nod to 22-year-old Spanish footballer Inigo Martinez, who has so far scored two goals of sheer absurdity in his young career.

With the Premier League starting back up, and me posting semi-regularly on this blog, I thought there was no better time to return to the time-honored tradition of posting fucking amazing soccer goals online for others to enjoy.

Without further ado, Juventus's Paul Pogba: http://www.wimp.com/goalangle/